Log X Diary

content in this diary may include triggering topics.
please read at your own discretion.

hey sorry the password goes twice btw, its liek kinda weird nd idk why it does that :p xp

its probs bc God glitches da F outta my site xp


Ya'll... i can't believe its alrdy 0250 OwO... i've been doing neocities for liek... the entire day... not kidding... from 1300 to now... like not just customizing tho.. i luv looking at everyone elss' sites !! UvU... ya'll are so creative and inspiring... maybe one day my site can look as good as ya'lls :)

ok tho, text-align:center; is srsly pissing me tf off.. idk whats conflicting on it, but not one piece of text on this damn site can be centered but the "Welcome to The Show" header, only bc its in its own thing tho. like i rlly don't know what i'm doing wrong... also i'm tryna get this text to go next to the big ass chat box, but it only floats near the bottom not down the side like i want... ig i need to make a column or smth for it like flexbox i think but idk :/ why cant it just do what i want yk??

also i got no idea where to put these damn spinny glitchy machines but i luv them sm, that spinny flower was one a my great accomplishments back when i first started html, which i plan to link to my old html pages sometime, but right now i dont even have this home page right ^^; anyway, next i plan on making a small frame that you can scroll in for all my log notes like this one, so that way its not clogging up the whole site, like i dont got enough ads to fill that new space down the first column lol

also to find a better space for the banner ad at the bottom, it looks annoying rn, anndd i got so many more blinkies to add ! /3 ! anndd at somepoint i wanna make my own blinky and ad gif!

but its late so i must sleep, goodnight neighbors!


(1300) my god... after two hours i have finally done it... centered the items... UwU UwU 1. use flexbox instead of making columns 2. make a big flex box and order it in a row for the other 3 flexboxes to be inside of, nulling "float" 3. perservere.. in w3schools we trust
now to make a small iframe for these log notes / diary entries...

7/13 (1455)

ok ig this is as good as the stupid log is gonna get... i'll do the font and try to make it look better later, im so tiredt of it rn....

making it responsive is also such a pain in the ass, like idegaf anymore, only posers use phones anyway :/


I wanna make the left side cute -.__-. that is unfortunately proving difficult. its like watermelon themed rn but its like ugly. I'm planning to move my links there instead bc i like that typa layout more than having them at the top. + im gonna put a lil bio there and some other stuff. get rid of most of the neocity ads i have there rn and just keep a banner or two and a another. i want most of that side to be empty space and then maybe have a nice bg for the site.

its also kinda annoying having the iframe for the lognotes be so big and in the middle of the screen but idk where to move it as of now... also i def need more spinny things, i only have marny and god.

i also wanna make like a button for my site but idk how to make gifs :( and i wanna join a webring but i feel my site is too young rn, like i only just started it so i think i should wait a bit (?) till it looks better and is more like what i want. (i did end up making dat i love miku one tho!) also rlly weird but the footer i have rn is for some reason stacked under the right side instead of under all the flexboxes like its supposed to be.. very strange...

7/16 0112

added entrance page


moved links into lil box on right, added drafts for sana shrine and miku shrine... in great need of a beautification spree.

had lil idea of a theme.. temple, the top roof part is the header and then each colomn of the temple has different links in it, might have some things on the floor of the temple like flowers or smth that are also links... wonder if anyones done it?

this stupid log section is still pissing me off. but now its grey! (--- this is an improvement

my first official blinkies!!


uhhhh like, made the links section into a list + gave it a dif margin than the ads, deleted most ads and just left two, made a lil button for my sana shrine even tho i havent even rlly started yet *hehe sweat mark face*

tried to fix the stupid spaces between the div's for the LINKS header and the actual links,, which is also the same prollem between LOG X DIARY and the entries

i dunno what to do, i alrdy set the margin and padding to zero so..... idk

also i should probs start keeping my lil blinkies and extra pics n shit in a seperate folder but like, it doesnt let u drag and drop the files so id have to reupload them ig ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and also i dont wanna have to put the folder name b4 the img *eyes fill w tears but like in a ive been staring at my pc all day way*


what the fuccccccccccccckkkkkkkk it was fine when i left last time but now none of my fonts are loading and the black background i had for the page is white and idk why ..... TT-TT.. double checked all my : and ; and nothing.. bet its smth dumb like that though.. ugh.


might have smth to do with module and body


mood: frustrated, disappointed, uh, bitchy

... i might be the dumbest bitch alive... long story short, uh, check all ur '{'
whatevs tho, retyping the style sheet is worth it bc now its all organized n shit...

geez i havent been on here in 4 ever -m- mb w sk**l starting up again n everythign i didnt have time buttttt here i am!
put on a new galaxy bg for the homepage, (reminds me of my old leggings) + made log bg transparent >wO

guess i celebrated too early... what do u mean "unexpected end tag div used too early" i only *used* div wha tdo you meeaaaaan 0w0


1st time editing in sk**l, on my fone :33 pr weird, cant rlly do much bc my site doesnt werk on fones. + all my good shit is on me laptop :"0 whatevs

planning on making a journal, want it to look liek deadjournal format, dunno how to do dat, will hab it iframe float next to logdiary + link in links section? or --what i rlly wanna do-- have a lil box under my about tab thatll have a lil iframe w the most recent entry in the journal, format mood: music: input: yk? id get rid of the mood moosic sec i alrdy have... idek if thats smth u can actually do tho 🤔. itd have to be like an iframe that only pulled from da newest div entry.. or maybe it could have a seperate htm file that would only show the most recent and then make n iframe of dat, so then id be figuring out how to get it to automatically update that so i dont have to go in and manually type it in errytime 00__00
that would be kinda cool tho. if i could
lik i want a space i can chronicle irl stuff bc this is just lik, an extended dev pg lol not rlly supposed to go off on the unrelated stuff i wanna

also still having issues w dis log. like. idk wtf it means by "(div) seen to early" like gurl no, i counted my divs and /divs its def supposed to be there.. but it messes up my order. the flexbox organizes bottom > top so that way most recent entries r on top but now some rnt being counted as their own div nd yeah.. just being displayed at random.

also wanna add a auto music player that uses local files instead o yt links >___>d


YAYYYY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEENNN >:D wanna make a spooky theme
site is being annoying as usual. trying to turn the link sections into on click drop down menus and it works fine on my practice page but not on my actual. UGH. also now all my links are broken :/. once i do get it working tho im gonna move this log + the chat box into the margin n put them under one.
moved all my .css-es into a folder, so, idk, maybe its making problems, rlly shouldnt be though. good news, bebetcy.gay is open and 2.99 for a year, bebetcy.com is 0.01 pr good imo. beetc.com is over 9,000 bc its "premium"---which i find hilarious, who tf is buying that.
other things, new boyfriend appreciation page, did some hover stuff for text + links,,, found out i actually am in the yesterwebring :3 but.. as usual.. the link button thing isnt working for whatever fucking reason. *shrugs cutely*.
still having issues w the log thats making my entries out of order wtf.
nvm fixed it, spelled dive instead of div... stupidest bitch alive.
update: the drop down menu worked! for one... but if i try to have it on for the rest they keep opening the same submenu. -____- links are still dead f me.


uhmm ok literally what. the links r dead bc a lot of them were labled "a1" even though i don't have any "a1" styles?? why?? i dont remember doing this?? next i licherally just copipasted the webring thing and it worked so idk what the issue was.
the bf page is going well >//< AHHH yas.


Time: 15:30 Music: None
Hello everyone! It's been about a month since I last updated and yeah, not much. Dressed up as a vampire for halloween, but I lost my fangs the night of which was really maddening. my bestie Q went as frankie from monster high, and her exchange student went as draculaura. J didnt show up even tho she said she would (typical). couple of Q's other friends came, met B her sis and V half way through, didnt sprain my ankle this time *cool guy*. Q says she's sad this is gonna be our last halloween together :/ i agree, but honestly my halloween peaked back in middle school w/ my bestie at the time Ju, we had so much fun every halloween it was great.

its snowing today. i've been practicing Skating by Vince Guaraldi since late summer but I don't think its gonna be ready for christmas :/ i only got like half way through and i haven't been practicing recently at all bc i just have so much work. i hate school! TToTT my knees killing me today. its been hurting the last couple days but going to work last night rlly through it over i think. work sucks. they said they'd make accomodations for my leg disability but i'm on my feet the entire night and hardly have time to sit. they want me to come in for 6hr30min this saturday at 8:30 *skull* literally the worst way to spend my weekend. i dont wanna go in... but i dont think they have anyone else. it sucks. i think i'm gonna ask if i can just stay till 13:30 instead o 15, so my usual 5hrs, bc i dont think i'd make it the whole way. someone else is supposed to be coming at 12 and that shift goes to 17 + its a weekend so its slow, so rlly i hope they can handle it alone. i claimed that 12-17 after thanksgiving tho so *yus*.

i desperately need to update this journal log thing... it looks so bad -__- does not inspire me to write at all... think im gonna steal the look from (vampireslayersunite.neocities.org) ty! gonna put the diary in its own page and can make another page just for updates if i still want an updates iframe :-]

anyway.. yeah! other updates: added self insert webring (koinuko.pink), update to theme.. ya, guess i'll see u guys again whenever


Time: 00:31 Music: Innocence by Eir Aoi

back again. these past few days kinda sucked, our area is in a blizzard rn so i didnt have to go to school or work (WIN! WIN! WIN!) but i also have a research paper now overdue and its stressing me the fuck out. i just dont know what to do, none of my research is being very fruitful, and i know i could do it if i just forced myself too, but its just, ugh.

good news i finished shopping for the majority of the people in my life for the year (my friends and my 1 sister, only finished chrimmy for the other siblings and still need to get them bday gifts) but it took over 3 hours i think of just shopping. ugh. but i used blippo which was cute, got some cute stuff for cheap. Also bought some things for E who i have a crush on at the moment, its difficult to explain because E was actually the one to approach me about dating and then we had this whole conversation where we seemed both on board, but then the next day E said that we should just be friends :/ the entire convo was over text so its not like i didnt expect this but.. yeah. ig these gifts are kinda like me courting E (lol) but honestly i definitely would not mind having someone to date. And E's a nice person, i've been getting info from other people as well as we've been on good terms for a while (?) and they're cool, they're crafty and like fashion and photography, which is all cool in my book, they also just seem chill and like they have a big heart, sweet, like to do things for people. we've been texting, so far its me who's been initiating all the convos, but ik for some ppl its difficult to start conversations and i dont really mind it

its difficult to tell if they actually like me or not. idk. im just confused. like, emphasis, they were the one to approach me, but i wonder if thats not just because they just wanted fun/were joking? but i asked and they said no? then Q talked to them, and they said they thought i was pretty and liked me when we had classes together, but idk if thats just shit they pulled out of their ass for the moment or if they actually had those feelings for a while. :v sad and confusing times.


Time 13:50 Mood: frustrated

going brain dead. pink box supposed to be next to yellow box, dont know why not working, have in flex box flex row, pink 20% yello 80%, have tried float too no work. hate this.

i also hab work in 2hrs.. my leg aches this sucks


was browsing miki's otome oasis and found out ab this little feature...

blah blah blah


blah blah

Huh. Okay this literally solves every problem I've ever had ever. (i can finally fix my drop down menus for my page links... (and it even comes w the cute lil carrot? come ON how did i not know ab this until now))


got why the flex boxes werent working... because i never set them as display:flex; *skull* (i really am.. dumb as shit..)

but yay! not that i got the code figured out i can finally start decorating!!



havent done any kinda substantial update to the site in over a month, but i realized i didnt have a current update pic so here we are

oncle jazz might be my fav album of all time


uhhhh hiiiiiii :)) not done anythign big on the site, added some stuff, added the music section back + some songzz, added my immortal link n some for neighborss. isnt the my immortal one cool?? love how they made it look just like fanfic.net pr cool !
also joined NavLink Ads. this is my ad, it looks pr stupid. -m- whatever. art aint my strongest suit.


Time: 19:30

Music: L O L ^ ^ by horrormovies

Mood: on the bad side of meh. like. neutral with a slight mix of depressed/frustrated/bored. the people in my sem class went to research at the college today so they can actually complete the task and i didnt even though i have no idea what the fuck i'll do because im a fucking girl boss. i was working on my latin shit all fucking day. legitimately upwards of 6 hours straight of fucking hyperbaton anaphora "analyze how virgil illustrate iarbus' character trait through direct quotes with translation in a full essay" ablative of time ablative of purpose ablative of fucking sucking cock and dying. I DONT CAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE take your future perfect passive subjunctive infinitives AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I FUCKING LOSE IT.

hi! uhm. i've actually been updating a bit in the past few months, not much worthy of an entry tho. except for today! welcome to the construction of the newly refurbished landing page -- boom.

(it has all the lil badges i didnt have room for b4 !!!)webrings r gonna be on this page from now on i think, or maybe not. i also wanna add a link to my neocities page so that way ppl can leave comments and follow and shit, saw it on shiroganes, that sites pr cool :3. wanna move some stuff around. especially the chat box, its been bothering me a while and i dont want it in the site bar w the navigation menu, so i think i'm gonna drop it into the box w miku. also want to add more katamari decor bc its seriously lacking rn. like sure, i have miku, but we need more katamari!!!!

uhmmm yeah. forgot how fucking ugly this log page was. theres no fucking way i'm gonna be sorting these out and then making different pages to jump around to, like. no. definitely a new look but uh, that was a lil ambitious. idek how to do it? do people seriously make a new htm file for each month and then put there entries all in it and then have a landing page that links to each file... and then have each file have the same css so that way the navis on one side and the entries are in a scroll box? TOO MUCH FUCKING WORK. infinite scroll it is. ugh. but i wanna be able to hyperlink jump around the entries, that i would do bc i dont like having to scroll all the time. idk.

current look

zoomed out ---------------

ugh i definitely need to move that fucking chat box. and i also wanna move the poll to the right side. for some reason the actual poll buttons arent working?? which i dont understand... like... why.

my moms making pizza and it smells really fucking good. we'll probably be eating at like 20:whatever which i'm not exactly happy with? but i feel normally i'd be mad/frustrated ab eating outside my window but today? idk. i'm ok. i usually go to bed around now so that'll be weird. i really hope the carbs dont keep me up but i'll just try not to eat much. felt really weird today. i didnt binge which was good but it was so weird. i didnt wanna eat anything? like my stomach felt hot and hungry so i was like "oh i should eat. i'm hungry. i fasted yesterday so whatever you want you can have." but i got nothing. like "apple and peanut butter?" nope. i practically had to force myself to go get the apple and peanut butter but then in the end i just put them back. is this a good thing? yeah? like i need to lose more than ever rn bc my mom wants us to do a beach trip april 3rd (APRIL FUCKING THIRD UGGGHHHH) and i need to drop like, 20lbs by then lmao. actually 14lbs. to be specific. and theres no way thats happening but as long as im doing my best and wittling down what i can thats ok. so yes. its good that im feeling hungry right now. but usually i'm fighting my instinct to eat and cravings for food but today? surprisingly, nothing. 600kcal and i'm not that hungry. which is awesome bc under 700 is ideal but idk. its weird. maybe its bc this is my second 42hr fast so its not gonna be as difficult as last week? maybe its bc i had less carbs yesterday and today?? (i had a piece of naan bread yesterday though so idk) but my cravings are noexistent today. is this what most people feel like? no cravings? its so weird.


Time: 00:16

mood: energized but tired (?) in that, its getting late but i'm suddenly motivated to browse the interwebs lol.

Today I retired bebetcy.htm v1 and started up v2 :) i think its prolly gonnna have a pretty similar layout to the original but i want it to be cleaner and include more of the things i want. i felt constricted by my old layout so, here we go. two major flex, with one for links and one for the main content.

links will all be their own buttons, wanna make it look like the DDR menu lol. the other layout was the one i made when i first started this webpage. its nice to clear the slate and start off fresh having known what i do now ab coding :) this design rn is flexbox bc i forgot about columns but idk, i'll look into them and see whats best, i wanna make a cool layout and ik rn flexbox limits me a bit in having to make straight rows. but maybes thats just how i'm using it.

wanna update a new layout for this diary too, though i never even got around to finishing my og design for this lmao. whatever. this place is so ugly rn it kinda de-inspires me from writing or coding so.. meh.


Time: 20:08

mood: tired, sore (back and neck)

Had a weird dream last night that left me feeling weird all day today. i had another sugery on my knee. before the surgery when they were prepping the iv and anasthesia, the dr was like "we're not doing anesthesia today. we're gonna try putting you in a cryo sleep instead." and i was liek "wait what" but then i suddenly got that feeling and fell asleep already. and a second later i woke up again and it was done. they put a bar on my knee it was light like titanium or smth. it was stapled to my knee at a weird bit. over days everytime i would wake up it would be moved, the bar was bent bc i did smth or idk. then i was at a point where i had to take the staples out bc some of them were loose and i didnt want them to snag. so i was taking out the staple but it felt so wrong bc my knee was completely numb but i could sometimes feel this pain when i moved a staple, and as i was pulling the staple out it was getting sticky from the iodine. idk. i never had staples for any of my incisions i dont think, but there was points where i had to take out the thread so maybe thats what the dream was based off. i've just felt really sad todya though from it. i feel bad for my leg, i feel like i havent been taking care of it enough. i feel like theres more i should be doing, idk. i just feel sad for it.

anyway, i made some layout progress for bebetcy v2. i'll probs be moving stuff around but for now the first two rows of flexboxes are where i want them, music box i'm iffy on. i knew ab firfox's screenshot thing b4 but i mustve forgot bc i just found it again today ^^; anyway. i'll try to remember it for updates for now on bc you can actually see the full page which is nice. it'll be nice to have the currently playing/watching/reading. i also kinda want a pfp with a "mood/music/etc" thing so i might shove the about over and put a lil area for that


Time: 22:18

mood: stressed. really need to pee :v

Naruto page is being annoying. the middle most column is supposed to have overflow:scroll; but for some reason, instead of scrolling it keeps compacting the stuff inside it? ex. my favs list is supposed to be 200px tall but it keeps compressing it to less than that. dont get it. very frustrating. its probably something simple, but ive gone through my list of what i would think it to be so .. yeah


Time: 19:09

mood: tired.

rip yesterweb :o just noticed today the widget is broken but ig its been like that for a while. oh well, i wanna redo that landing page. make it more fun. i really wanna make my site more katamari themed and about stuff i like rather than the boring layouts i've been trying.

i started replaying ffvii yesterday :3 im having so much fun i rlly love that game. i cant believe its already been 2 years since i last played. its fun and a bit nostalgic. its funny i can remember what parts really stumped me the first time i played but now their so much easier, i remember being confused w the story at first, its a lot more fun knowing where the story's gonna go now, i think. i wanna rewatch mlp too lol. i started mgs but for some reason the cutscenes are all fucked, i also tried silent hill but the scariest thing is the controls tbh
oh i also wanna make this log section a better theme. ugh. i've been putting it off but i shouldnt. i think all i'm gonna do is make chapter links not seperate html files for each month/year or whatever i was planning og.
is it bad i already dont like the new layout for bebetcy? i havent even finished it yet but idk. i just dont really know what i want to make so im stalling. and i dont know if i just need to tweek what i already have but part of me just wants to start over. but im sick of looking at the ugly blocking colours.



mood: mad

make this into a separate page w external links/social medias bc i dont like it on the navi anymore me finks uwu :3 + then i can has a spot for like, the link icons like instead of just words it could be da logo... UGH i should fr make this a nice frame and then use iframe for each page?? but i kidna like having each page be its own zone yk where it has its own stuff going on and takes up ur whole screen. so maybe just a frame for the external links page??? or actually couldnt that be its own thing too like do i need a iframe within a frame kinda page?? bc it looks nice on other sites but idk if thats what i rlly want my site to be like (move this to diary at some point is too LONG 04/16/23 im tire also the wind is super fucking strong for no reason and keeps knocking out my internet!!! ARGH!!


Time: 22:31

mood: depressed, sleepy

trying out some wallpapers, tried to make the background opacity for the navigation bar lower but it ended up lowering the opacity of all the text and the border too :( man, fuck this shit.


Time: 23:48

mood: tired. fat.

decorating. and stuff. feel like shit recently ugh. i gave myself scratches a bunch and idk. i just feel very angry and destructive. and sad. i have a lot of scars on my wrist from all the ivs and whenever i see them they make me feel weird. i dont want my scars to fade. i'm so scared of that. i dont want my scratches to heal. when they turned yellow i was scared but today i accidentally hit them on my backpack and now they're a dark red which i felt a lot better about. but the skin around them is pealing, and that entire part of my arm is sensitive, so i know theyre healing. and then at some point theyll be gone forever. :/ -- hashtag me when i realize the passing of time. idk its not the time passing thats an issue. i just like having the wounds. i like looking at them and feeling them. i was really surprised at how bright bright red they were when i first scratched them. and i loved it when i could see them start to puss the next days. i like taking care of them, and holding my arm a certain way so things dont touch it or see it. i like being careful. ah fuck.
i've been doing low res for a few days this week, and it went pretty good. 362. 575. 990 woops. 375. 560 today.. supposed to be 395 except i ate a ton of cookies. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i dont fucking know. i was surprised by my self control idk. no one gives a fuck about this lmao.

progress pics !!


Time: 02:26

mood: sleepy, scared (?), idk, like hyper??

basically i', have to go w the jefe to canada for the next week urgh and theres no service/wifi or anything so i'm trying to get in all my internet usage rn (makes sense right? especially considering we leave at 10 so i'm getting like 6hrs of sleep 0_0) and like, i'm just in such a typey mood. a writey mood rn. like. i just got done spending like an hour putting my heart out into my spacehey diaries, and then i went and typed up a retrospective on naruto for Da Naruto Dome, and now i'm like, updating this thingy??? cray cray!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah thats what i been up to.
casual naruto edit pic - bam. took a screenshot will put in when i feel like it, not rn tho bc i am typey.
morning lullabies - ingrid michaelson is stuck in my head for all day today. like the first time i heard it i didnt get it but now i do so much . its such a beautiful song its so beautiful and it makes me so sad. (idk for sure (dont feel like looking it up woops) but to me its a mother mourning a child.. CRY) and im like TT-TT. ZAMN. anyway. im so tire. but i wont be able to do anything online for a while so i wanna show my love while i cannnn. ow my neck. i just like went to crack it but now like the left side of my neck hurts like i pulled it or smth. ow. my shit is so tight fr.
why is naruto so good but so bad? like imagine if naruto was good.. it would be so fucking awesome. it could be like the best show ever. anyway gn. i updated some stuff to homepage like. nothing that good tho lol. also i added the link to my spacehey on me page bc like. b4 i was really embarrassed of it (all my shit is public in case i forget my password so i can read my shit again.. whatever) but like now its like. idk. idkkkkkk im still embarrassed ab everything but i feel ok putting it there. bc like. this is just as much a revealing show of myself as that is, just in different ways ig. god its so melodramatic over there tho. kinda bled into here tho eg. my last entry, woops. idk. im just a dramatic person ig. weak willed. etc. god naruto couldve been so fucking good. also for some reason text on this page is fucky. like, opened this in new browser and the links to like "summer '22" look weird b4 u click them, but then afterwards their fine so i gotta edit that. ya. nighty night


Time: 02:32

mood: idk.

removed the spacehey link. idk. i dont want anyone to see. i want someone to see. i dont want to contaminate this space w all my negativity, its not what Bebetcy is supposed to be. i'm not sure what to do . i dont know which direction to take this. i dont know what my goal is.
oh i'm back from the trip now, so that's nice. we got in at like 23 and i jumped right online browsing stuff. the trip went okay. the sleeping cabin was full of dock spiders and i was really scared most nights, one night i saw them on the beam right above my head and i was freaked. i couldnt sleep for hours, and i wanted to go on my phone or smth but i couldnt bc the light would attract them. ew. i slept rlly poorly every night, the bed was really uncomfortable hahhhhh it takes me a long time to fall asleep anyway but this was like hours. just chilling with my thoughts, great. somehow i manage to stress myself out like that, i think up every terrible thing i need to prepare for. and of course just marinate in how much i suck. makes me wanna off myself lmao
i swam a lot. i havent since last year. i swam out to the island in the middle of the bay 3 times every day (except for the 2 i didnt swim). idk i just spent like 20min looking for a map of the lake but i couldnt find one w a legible key for distance so idk how far it was. a good amt though. it hurt my knee a bit but i powered through. ugh. even when i wanted to get out of the water it was like "oh but imagine how many cal u burn just by being in the water" so yeah. that was my mindset the whole trip. everything. was like that. somehow i wasnt able to control food intake though. why am i like this. i kept eating sugary shit though, like 4 smores a night some nights like. just so much. like i wouldnt need to burn all those cals if i just didnt eat them in the first place, especially since i have no idea how much i burned swimming, if it covered it, just stupid. so dumb. so dumb.
started reading unbearable lightnes. so far i really like it, i'm like 4 chapters in. the way she describes the insane feelings are so relatable. idk. somehow it makes me feel more like a failure though. lmao. why am i like this?
i guess this is a good time to link something-fishyits a good resource if you havent visited it yet.


Time: 19:50

mood: lethargic

hello! i haven't updated in a hot minute--i guess its pretty true i only feel like updating when i'm not feeling good. today's been okay. i'm done with thxgiving break. honestly these past few days have been a mix of sucky and happy, i'm happy to spend time with my sisters and my mom and Q, jefe really does make things stressful though, and my knees been an ass. break has just felt really, stuffy. i just feel like on the cusp of a headache at all times, my body feels sore and uncomfortable, and i just feel sleepy. a very stuffy lethargic break. and very boring. its only been 3 days home, 1 day travel, but its felt way longer. my screen time has been insane lol. yeah. i'm done. happy to go back to campus tmrw, though i'm not thrilled at the travel. hopefully next year i can just stay on campus for break.
i've been pretty happy at school. had some ups and downs but its been nice. i have a lot more freedom and expanse to go around. much better than here. i've made a couple friends and i have a guy i'm seeing now +3+ so, thats fun. classes have been going well too, i feel pretty fulfilled w my work and i really like my one professor so that makes her class fun! so yeah. haven't had much time or really desire to play video games or do this neocities stuff recently, but i've had other stuff i've been enjoying, idk. i just feel really stuffy and cramped here, and i'm ready to go back. my flight is tmrw at 09:00 so we're leaving for the airport at 07:15 ab, yeah. i guess i should pack. i'm debating whether or not i bring all my crochet stuff. i've only started it up again since i've been back, but maybe if i brought it with me it would turn into a legitimate hobby? idk. i think i will.


Time: 21:05

mood: chill

bg movie: friday after next

i started up an entry yesteday but i scrapped it. uhhh yeah. back home for chrimmy break. its been chill ig. yesterday i hung out, finished up some school work, and watched movie. today not much, did some painting, played piano, hung out (lol), watched like, 3 movies, hung out w my sister. yeah. i'm trying not to feel bored yet bc i still got 23 days here but like, girl. its hard. i think what i'll do is print out a big calander of the next 23 days, make a list of goals to complete within those days, and then check off the days as they pass so that way i feel more productive.
i'm also thinking ab messaging the liquor store manager and asking for shifts butttt i dont wanna upset my knee. its already more painful than normal w all the stairs i gotta do now that i'm home. legit 3 flights of the stairs from my bedroom to the basement just to wash my shit, and like, i'm butt scooting down but man, coming back up makes my knee so sore. i'm checking out fr. bye.
but these past weeks have been kinda crazyyy
started off strong w 8hr grind sesh in the library finishing my latin final, then had my jpn test and latin final pres thennnn me and my bf got a cheap airbnb and well.. lets just say.

surrealist experience of my life so far prolly sitting out on the steps of the airbnb freezing my ass off waiting for the doordash plan b dafuq.

LMAO anyway.
i hope to see my friend quinn someimte, they busy tmrw but hopefully we can do shit this week. we thinking of going to see the stupid ass timothee chalemet wonky slush movie lmao but i also wanna hang out and catchup bc we havent had a real debrief in a hot min.


Time: 00:56

mood: crusted

bg vid: retroGamingNow minecraft alpha theory

i'm home again. it seems the times when i am are the times i'm free to work on bebetcy. not feeling good. feeling like i'm just a rotting thing. i'm trying to keep myself on task, i'm trying to keep a schedule, stay organized. but i'm slipping---or i've slipped and i'm not getting up. i dont feel super depressed or anything. but my physicality is different than usual, its throwing me off. eating this much is making me nostalgic somehow, my body hasnt felt like this in a while. i just feel a bit disappointed and things feel futile. i'm just hanging on to the hope that i can stop this, that i can bounce back from this. its just that, i shouldnt even be maintaining at this point, but i'm overeating. i havent even made near my goal yet, i'm so far. and i'm just slowing myself by doing this. i dont feel completely finished, because i know i'm not gaining, or i cant be gaining more than a lb or 2, it just feels like so much because i havent had near it in a while. so this might not be more than slight overeating. but i still feel panick. sleeping is difficult, i feel cloudy in the head not like when i'm hungry but a different kind, more lazy. my body feels so bloated and full, i hate it. i feel like a massive slug like my skin is bursting with fat. i look and feel so much more plush and stuffed. not fun.
its not like i was perfect before i got here. i was slipping on my intake for the past 3 weeks, one day binges trailing into higher cal days the next day, and "back to resing" becoming a higher number. but it wasnt like this. eating as soon as i wake up and late into the night. i know my physical state will reinforce my mental state, so i'm trying, i'm trying to make things feel normal by being out of bed by 10 and having morning coffee, vitamins, 32oz of water. then going upstairs, washing my face, changing, or first exercising then showering then dressing. then going back downstairs, looking at my calendar (time moves forward, a reminder), looking at my academics, reminding myself of my responsibilities. but everything feels so far away. i dont have the motivation to work on anything, not on that crochet cat for my friend, or my work, or anything, reading, restricting, i dont do anything. i go on my phone, i played webkinz for like 3hrs and then browsed edc (while eating, fml) and then watched youtube videos and then fucked around and made mac and cheese, and ate a billion fucking calories, non stop eating. i get the results of my mri on friday, i'm secretly hoping it will be cancer because i want something definitively horrible. to explain everything. i just dont know what i want in my life and things feel really difficult. i'm sick of food, but only in that i'm sick of liking it. i'm sick of needing it. i feel best when i'm in bouts of successful, consistent low res, but it doest last forever, my routine changes at some point, or i cant keep up with school work, in the end i eat more. and then its just a cycle of trying to work back up to that success again. its just difficult. i just feel demoralized. i know i can get back up, things just feel hard right now. actually i dont know if i cant get back up. i know some can people cycle between losing and gaining the same 10lb for years without tangible progress, but that cant be me, not yet, i'm not close to where i want to be, i have a time limit i have to be thinner NOW i cant be them, but i dont know how they started, i dont know how they go from successful resing to that cycle and how thats different from whats happening to me right now. i'm scared i wont make my goal. this is my life. this has been my life. this is the only thing i have i cant lose it now, not when i'm finally seeing progress. i feel like i'm finally becoming myself i'm finally getting a taste of being free, i cant go back to being fat. or i cant continue to be. i cant go back to being obese, really. i have all this on the line but i cant fucking stop eating. i'm never satisfied. i know i wont be but i eat anyway, i dont get the point. i feel out of control, but not like a binge, just a general lack of direction thats making me not stick to my principles. i probably shouldnt be posting this here. i dont care