My Diary

this diary may include triggering topics.
please read at your own discretion.

hey sorry the password goes twice btw, its liek kinda weird nd idk why it does that :p xp

its probs bc God glitches da F outta my site xp


Ya'll... i can't believe its alrdy 0250 OwO... i've been doing neocities for liek... the entire day... not kidding... from 1300 to now... like not just customizing tho.. i luv looking at everyone elss' sites !! UvU... ya'll are so creative and inspiring... maybe one day my site can look as good as ya'lls :)

ok tho, text-align:center; is srsly pissing me tf off.. idk whats conflicting on it, but not one piece of text on this damn site can be centered but the "Welcome to The Show" header, only bc its in its own thing tho. like i rlly don't know what i'm doing wrong... also i'm tryna get this text to go next to the big ass chat box, but it only floats near the bottom not down the side like i want... ig i need to make a column or smth for it like flexbox i think but idk :/ why cant it just do what i want yk??

also i got no idea where to put these damn spinny glitchy machines but i luv them sm, that spinny flower was one a my great accomplishments back when i first started html, which i plan to link to my old html pages sometime, but right now i dont even have this home page right ^^; anyway, next i plan on making a small frame that you can scroll in for all my log notes like this one, so that way its not clogging up the whole site, like i dont got enough ads to fill that new space down the first column lol

also to find a better space for the banner ad at the bottom, it looks annoying rn, anndd i got so many more blinkies to add ! /3 ! anndd at somepoint i wanna make my own blinky and ad gif!

but its late so i must sleep, goodnight neighbors!


(1300) my god... after two hours i have finally done it... centered the items... UwU UwU 1. use flexbox instead of making columns 2. make a big flex box and order it in a row for the other 3 flexboxes to be inside of, nulling "float" 3. perservere.. in w3schools we trust
now to make a small iframe for these log notes / diary entries...

7/13 (1455)

ok ig this is as good as the stupid log is gonna get... i'll do the font and try to make it look better later, im so tiredt of it rn....

making it responsive is also such a pain in the ass, like idegaf anymore, only posers use phones anyway :/


I wanna make the left side cute -.__-. that is unfortunately proving difficult. its like watermelon themed rn but its like ugly. I'm planning to move my links there instead bc i like that typa layout more than having them at the top. + im gonna put a lil bio there and some other stuff. get rid of most of the neocity ads i have there rn and just keep a banner or two and a another. i want most of that side to be empty space and then maybe have a nice bg for the site.

its also kinda annoying having the iframe for the lognotes be so big and in the middle of the screen but idk where to move it as of now... also i def need more spinny things, i only have marny and god.

i also wanna make like a button for my site but idk how to make gifs :( and i wanna join a webring but i feel my site is too young rn, like i only just started it so i think i should wait a bit (?) till it looks better and is more like what i want. (i did end up making dat i love miku one tho!) also rlly weird but the footer i have rn is for some reason stacked under the right side instead of under all the flexboxes like its supposed to be.. very strange...

7/16 0112

added entrance page


moved links into lil box on right, added drafts for sana shrine and miku shrine... in great need of a beautification spree.

had lil idea of a theme.. temple, the top roof part is the header and then each colomn of the temple has different links in it, might have some things on the floor of the temple like flowers or smth that are also links... wonder if anyones done it?

this stupid log section is still pissing me off. but now its grey! (--- this is an improvement

my first official blinkies!!


uhhhh like, made the links section into a list + gave it a dif margin than the ads, deleted most ads and just left two, made a lil button for my sana shrine even tho i havent even rlly started yet *hehe sweat mark face*

tried to fix the stupid spaces between the div's for the LINKS header and the actual links,, which is also the same prollem between LOG X DIARY and the entries

i dunno what to do, i alrdy set the margin and padding to zero so..... idk

also i should probs start keeping my lil blinkies and extra pics n shit in a seperate folder but like, it doesnt let u drag and drop the files so id have to reupload them ig ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and also i dont wanna have to put the folder name b4 the img *eyes fill w tears but like in a ive been staring at my pc all day way*


what the fuccccccccccccckkkkkkkk it was fine when i left last time but now none of my fonts are loading and the black background i had for the page is white and idk why ..... TT-TT.. double checked all my : and ; and nothing.. bet its smth dumb like that though.. ugh.


might have smth to do with module and body


mood: frustrated, disappointed, uh, bitchy

... i might be the dumbest bitch alive... long story short, uh, check all ur '{'
whatevs tho, retyping the style sheet is worth it bc now its all organized n shit...

geez i havent been on here in 4 ever -m- mb w sk**l starting up again n everythign i didnt have time buttttt here i am!
put on a new galaxy bg for the homepage, (reminds me of my old leggings) + made log bg transparent >wO

guess i celebrated too early... what do u mean "unexpected end tag div used too early" i only *used* div wha tdo you meeaaaaan 0w0


1st time editing in sk**l, on my fone :33 pr weird, cant rlly do much bc my site doesnt werk on fones. + all my good shit is on me laptop :"0 whatevs

planning on making a journal, want it to look liek deadjournal format, dunno how to do dat, will hab it iframe float next to logdiary + link in links section? or --what i rlly wanna do-- have a lil box under my about tab thatll have a lil iframe w the most recent entry in the journal, format mood: music: input: yk? id get rid of the mood moosic sec i alrdy have... idek if thats smth u can actually do tho 🤔. itd have to be like an iframe that only pulled from da newest div entry.. or maybe it could have a seperate htm file that would only show the most recent and then make n iframe of dat, so then id be figuring out how to get it to automatically update that so i dont have to go in and manually type it in errytime 00__00
that would be kinda cool tho. if i could
lik i want a space i can chronicle irl stuff bc this is just lik, an extended dev pg lol not rlly supposed to go off on the unrelated stuff i wanna

also still having issues w dis log. like. idk wtf it means by "(div) seen to early" like gurl no, i counted my divs and /divs its def supposed to be there.. but it messes up my order. the flexbox organizes bottom > top so that way most recent entries r on top but now some rnt being counted as their own div nd yeah.. just being displayed at random.

also wanna add a auto music player that uses local files instead o yt links >___>d


YAYYYY HALLOWEEEEEEEEEENNN >:D wanna make a spooky theme
site is being annoying as usual. trying to turn the link sections into on click drop down menus and it works fine on my practice page but not on my actual. UGH. also now all my links are broken :/. once i do get it working tho im gonna move this log + the chat box into the margin n put them under one.
moved all my .css-es into a folder, so, idk, maybe its making problems, rlly shouldnt be though. good news, is open and 2.99 for a year, is 0.01 pr good imo. is over 9,000 bc its "premium"---which i find hilarious, who tf is buying that.
other things, new boyfriend appreciation page, did some hover stuff for text + links,,, found out i actually am in the yesterwebring :3 but.. as usual.. the link button thing isnt working for whatever fucking reason. *shrugs cutely*.
still having issues w the log thats making my entries out of order wtf.
nvm fixed it, spelled dive instead of div... stupidest bitch alive.
update: the drop down menu worked! for one... but if i try to have it on for the rest they keep opening the same submenu. -____- links are still dead f me.


uhmm ok literally what. the links r dead bc a lot of them were labled "a1" even though i don't have any "a1" styles?? why?? i dont remember doing this?? next i licherally just copipasted the webring thing and it worked so idk what the issue was.
the bf page is going well >//< AHHH yas.


Time: 15:30 Music: None
Hello everyone! It's been about a month since I last updated and yeah, not much. Dressed up as a vampire for halloween, but I lost my fangs the night of which was really maddening. my bestie Q went as frankie from monster high, and her exchange student went as draculaura. J didnt show up even tho she said she would (typical). couple of Q's other friends came, met B her sis and V half way through, didnt sprain my ankle this time *cool guy*. Q says she's sad this is gonna be our last halloween together :/ i agree, but honestly my halloween peaked back in middle school w/ my bestie at the time Ju, we had so much fun every halloween it was great.

its snowing today. i've been practicing Skating by Vince Guaraldi since late summer but I don't think its gonna be ready for christmas :/ i only got like half way through and i haven't been practicing recently at all bc i just have so much work. i hate school! TToTT my knees killing me today. its been hurting the last couple days but going to work last night rlly through it over i think. work sucks. they said they'd make accomodations for my leg disability but i'm on my feet the entire night and hardly have time to sit. they want me to come in for 6hr30min this saturday at 8:30 *skull* literally the worst way to spend my weekend. i dont wanna go in... but i dont think they have anyone else. it sucks. i think i'm gonna ask if i can just stay till 13:30 instead o 15, so my usual 5hrs, bc i dont think i'd make it the whole way. someone else is supposed to be coming at 12 and that shift goes to 17 + its a weekend so its slow, so rlly i hope they can handle it alone. i claimed that 12-17 after thanksgiving tho so *yus*.

i desperately need to update this journal log thing... it looks so bad -__- does not inspire me to write at all... think im gonna steal the look from ( ty! gonna put the diary in its own page and can make another page just for updates if i still want an updates iframe :-]

anyway.. yeah! other updates: added self insert webring (, update to theme.. ya, guess i'll see u guys again whenever


Time: 00:31 Music: Innocence by Eir Aoi

back again. these past few days kinda sucked, our area is in a blizzard rn so i didnt have to go to school or work (WIN! WIN! WIN!) but i also have a research paper now overdue and its stressing me the fuck out. i just dont know what to do, none of my research is being very fruitful, and i know i could do it if i just forced myself too, but its just, ugh.

good news i finished shopping for the majority of the people in my life for the year (my friends and my 1 sister, only finished chrimmy for the other siblings and still need to get them bday gifts) but it took over 3 hours i think of just shopping. ugh. but i used blippo which was cute, got some cute stuff for cheap. Also bought some things for E who i have a crush on at the moment, its difficult to explain because E was actually the one to approach me about dating and then we had this whole conversation where we seemed both on board, but then the next day E said that we should just be friends :/ the entire convo was over text so its not like i didnt expect this but.. yeah. ig these gifts are kinda like me courting E (lol) but honestly i definitely would not mind having someone to date. And E's a nice person, i've been getting info from other people as well as we've been on good terms for a while (?) and they're cool, they're crafty and like fashion and photography, which is all cool in my book, they also just seem chill and like they have a big heart, sweet, like to do things for people. we've been texting, so far its me who's been initiating all the convos, but ik for some ppl its difficult to start conversations and i dont really mind it

its difficult to tell if they actually like me or not. idk. im just confused. like, emphasis, they were the one to approach me, but i wonder if thats not just because they just wanted fun/were joking? but i asked and they said no? then Q talked to them, and they said they thought i was pretty and liked me when we had classes together, but idk if thats just shit they pulled out of their ass for the moment or if they actually had those feelings for a while. :v sad and confusing times.


Time 13:50 Mood: frustrated

going brain dead. pink box supposed to be next to yellow box, dont know why not working, have in flex box flex row, pink 20% yello 80%, have tried float too no work. hate this.

i also hab work in 2hrs.. my leg aches this sucks


was browsing miki's otome oasis and found out ab this little feature...

blah blah blah


blah blah

Huh. Okay this literally solves every problem I've ever had ever. (i can finally fix my drop down menus for my page links... (and it even comes w the cute lil carrot? come ON how did i not know ab this until now))


got why the flex boxes werent working... because i never set them as display:flex; *skull* (i really am.. dumb as shit..)

but yay! not that i got the code figured out i can finally start decorating!!



havent done any kinda substantial update to the site in over a month, but i realized i didnt have a current update pic so here we are

oncle jazz might be my fav album of all time


uhhhh hiiiiiii :)) not done anythign big on the site, added some stuff, added the music section back + some songzz, added my immortal link n some for neighborss. isnt the my immortal one cool?? love how they made it look just like pr cool !
also joined NavLink Ads. this is my ad, it looks pr stupid. -m- whatever. art aint my strongest suit.


Time: 19:30

Music: L O L ^ ^ by horrormovies

Mood: on the bad side of meh. like. neutral with a slight mix of depressed/frustrated/bored. the people in my sem class went to research at the college today so they can actually complete the task and i didnt even though i have no idea what the fuck i'll do because im a fucking girl boss. i was working on my latin shit all fucking day. legitimately upwards of 6 hours straight of fucking hyperbaton anaphora "analyze how virgil illustrate iarbus' character trait through direct quotes with translation in a full essay" ablative of time ablative of purpose ablative of fucking sucking cock and dying. I DONT CAREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE take your future perfect passive subjunctive infinitives AWAY FROM ME BEFORE I FUCKING LOSE IT.

hi! uhm. i've actually been updating a bit in the past few months, not much worthy of an entry tho. except for today! welcome to the construction of the newly refurbished landing page -- boom.

(it has all the lil badges i didnt have room for b4 !!!)webrings r gonna be on this page from now on i think, or maybe not. i also wanna add a link to my neocities page so that way ppl can leave comments and follow and shit, saw it on shiroganes, that sites pr cool :3. wanna move some stuff around. especially the chat box, its been bothering me a while and i dont want it in the site bar w the navigation menu, so i think i'm gonna drop it into the box w miku. also want to add more katamari decor bc its seriously lacking rn. like sure, i have miku, but we need more katamari!!!!

uhmmm yeah. forgot how fucking ugly this log page was. theres no fucking way i'm gonna be sorting these out and then making different pages to jump around to, like. no. definitely a new look but uh, that was a lil ambitious. idek how to do it? do people seriously make a new htm file for each month and then put there entries all in it and then have a landing page that links to each file... and then have each file have the same css so that way the navis on one side and the entries are in a scroll box? TOO MUCH FUCKING WORK. infinite scroll it is. ugh. but i wanna be able to hyperlink jump around the entries, that i would do bc i dont like having to scroll all the time. idk.

current look

zoomed out ---------------

ugh i definitely need to move that fucking chat box. and i also wanna move the poll to the right side. for some reason the actual poll buttons arent working?? which i dont understand... like... why.

my moms making pizza and it smells really fucking good. we'll probably be eating at like 20:whatever which i'm not exactly happy with? but i feel normally i'd be mad/frustrated ab eating outside my window but today? idk. i'm ok. i usually go to bed around now so that'll be weird. i really hope the carbs dont keep me up but i'll just try not to eat much. felt really weird today. i didnt binge which was good but it was so weird. i didnt wanna eat anything? like my stomach felt hot and hungry so i was like "oh i should eat. i'm hungry. i fasted yesterday so whatever you want you can have." but i got nothing. like "apple and peanut butter?" nope. i practically had to force myself to go get the apple and peanut butter but then in the end i just put them back. is this a good thing? yeah? like i need to lose more than ever rn bc my mom wants us to do a beach trip april 3rd (APRIL FUCKING THIRD UGGGHHHH) and i need to drop like, 20lbs by then lmao. actually 14lbs. to be specific. and theres no way thats happening but as long as im doing my best and wittling down what i can thats ok. so yes. its good that im feeling hungry right now. but usually i'm fighting my instinct to eat and cravings for food but today? surprisingly, nothing. 600kcal and i'm not that hungry. which is awesome bc under 700 is ideal but idk. its weird. maybe its bc this is my second 42hr fast so its not gonna be as difficult as last week? maybe its bc i had less carbs yesterday and today?? (i had a piece of naan bread yesterday though so idk) but my cravings are noexistent today. is this what most people feel like? no cravings? its so weird.


Time: 00:16

mood: energized but tired (?) in that, its getting late but i'm suddenly motivated to browse the interwebs lol.

Today I retired bebetcy.htm v1 and started up v2 :) i think its prolly gonnna have a pretty similar layout to the original but i want it to be cleaner and include more of the things i want. i felt constricted by my old layout so, here we go. two major flex, with one for links and one for the main content.

links will all be their own buttons, wanna make it look like the DDR menu lol. the other layout was the one i made when i first started this webpage. its nice to clear the slate and start off fresh having known what i do now ab coding :) this design rn is flexbox bc i forgot about columns but idk, i'll look into them and see whats best, i wanna make a cool layout and ik rn flexbox limits me a bit in having to make straight rows. but maybes thats just how i'm using it.

wanna update a new layout for this diary too, though i never even got around to finishing my og design for this lmao. whatever. this place is so ugly rn it kinda de-inspires me from writing or coding so.. meh.


Time: 20:08

mood: tired, sore (back and neck)

Had a weird dream last night that left me feeling weird all day today. i had another sugery on my knee. before the surgery when they were prepping the iv and anasthesia, the dr was like "we're not doing anesthesia today. we're gonna try putting you in a cryo sleep instead." and i was liek "wait what" but then i suddenly got that feeling and fell asleep already. and a second later i woke up again and it was done. they put a bar on my knee it was light like titanium or smth. it was stapled to my knee at a weird bit. over days everytime i would wake up it would be moved, the bar was bent bc i did smth or idk. then i was at a point where i had to take the staples out bc some of them were loose and i didnt want them to snag. so i was taking out the staple but it felt so wrong bc my knee was completely numb but i could sometimes feel this pain when i moved a staple, and as i was pulling the staple out it was getting sticky from the iodine. idk. i never had staples for any of my incisions i dont think, but there was points where i had to take out the thread so maybe thats what the dream was based off. i've just felt really sad todya though from it. i feel bad for my leg, i feel like i havent been taking care of it enough. i feel like theres more i should be doing, idk. i just feel sad for it.

anyway, i made some layout progress for bebetcy v2. i'll probs be moving stuff around but for now the first two rows of flexboxes are where i want them, music box i'm iffy on. i knew ab firfox's screenshot thing b4 but i mustve forgot bc i just found it again today ^^; anyway. i'll try to remember it for updates for now on bc you can actually see the full page which is nice. it'll be nice to have the currently playing/watching/reading. i also kinda want a pfp with a "mood/music/etc" thing so i might shove the about over and put a lil area for that


Time: 22:18

mood: stressed. really need to pee :v

Naruto page is being annoying. the middle most column is supposed to have overflow:scroll; but for some reason, instead of scrolling it keeps compacting the stuff inside it? ex. my favs list is supposed to be 200px tall but it keeps compressing it to less than that. dont get it. very frustrating. its probably something simple, but ive gone through my list of what i would think it to be so .. yeah


Time: 19:09

mood: tired.

rip yesterweb :o just noticed today the widget is broken but ig its been like that for a while. oh well, i wanna redo that landing page. make it more fun. i really wanna make my site more katamari themed and about stuff i like rather than the boring layouts i've been trying.

i started replaying ffvii yesterday :3 im having so much fun i rlly love that game. i cant believe its already been 2 years since i last played. its fun and a bit nostalgic. its funny i can remember what parts really stumped me the first time i played but now their so much easier, i remember being confused w the story at first, its a lot more fun knowing where the story's gonna go now, i think. i wanna rewatch mlp too lol. i started mgs but for some reason the cutscenes are all fucked, i also tried silent hill but the scariest thing is the controls tbh
oh i also wanna make this log section a better theme. ugh. i've been putting it off but i shouldnt. i think all i'm gonna do is make chapter links not seperate html files for each month/year or whatever i was planning og.
is it bad i already dont like the new layout for bebetcy? i havent even finished it yet but idk. i just dont really know what i want to make so im stalling. and i dont know if i just need to tweek what i already have but part of me just wants to start over. but im sick of looking at the ugly blocking colours.



mood: mad

make this into a separate page w external links/social medias bc i dont like it on the navi anymore me finks uwu :3 + then i can has a spot for like, the link icons like instead of just words it could be da logo... UGH i should fr make this a nice frame and then use iframe for each page?? but i kidna like having each page be its own zone yk where it has its own stuff going on and takes up ur whole screen. so maybe just a frame for the external links page??? or actually couldnt that be its own thing too like do i need a iframe within a frame kinda page?? bc it looks nice on other sites but idk if thats what i rlly want my site to be like (move this to diary at some point is too LONG 04/16/23 im tire also the wind is super fucking strong for no reason and keeps knocking out my internet!!! ARGH!!


Time: 22:31

mood: depressed, sleepy

trying out some wallpapers, tried to make the background opacity for the navigation bar lower but it ended up lowering the opacity of all the text and the border too :( man, fuck this shit.


Time: 23:48

mood: tired. fat.

decorating. and stuff. feel like shit recently ugh. i gave myself scratches a bunch and idk. i just feel very angry and destructive. and sad. i have a lot of scars on my wrist from all the ivs and whenever i see them they make me feel weird. i dont want my scars to fade. i'm so scared of that. i dont want my scratches to heal. when they turned yellow i was scared but today i accidentally hit them on my backpack and now they're a dark red which i felt a lot better about. but the skin around them is pealing, and that entire part of my arm is sensitive, so i know theyre healing. and then at some point theyll be gone forever. :/ -- hashtag me when i realize the passing of time. idk its not the time passing thats an issue. i just like having the wounds. i like looking at them and feeling them. i was really surprised at how bright bright red they were when i first scratched them. and i loved it when i could see them start to puss the next days. i like taking care of them, and holding my arm a certain way so things dont touch it or see it. i like being careful. ah fuck.
i've been doing low res for a few days this week, and it went pretty good. 362. 575. 990 woops. 375. 560 today.. supposed to be 395 except i ate a ton of cookies. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. i dont fucking know. i was surprised by my self control idk. no one gives a fuck about this lmao.

progress pics !!


Time: 02:26

mood: sleepy, scared (?), idk, like hyper??

basically i', have to go w the jefe to canada for the next week urgh and theres no service/wifi or anything so i'm trying to get in all my internet usage rn (makes sense right? especially considering we leave at 10 so i'm getting like 6hrs of sleep 0_0) and like, i'm just in such a typey mood. a writey mood rn. like. i just got done spending like an hour putting my heart out into my spacehey diaries, and then i went and typed up a retrospective on naruto for Da Naruto Dome, and now i'm like, updating this thingy??? cray cray!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah thats what i been up to.
casual naruto edit pic - bam. took a screenshot will put in when i feel like it, not rn tho bc i am typey.
morning lullabies - ingrid michaelson is stuck in my head for all day today. like the first time i heard it i didnt get it but now i do so much . its such a beautiful song its so beautiful and it makes me so sad. (idk for sure (dont feel like looking it up woops) but to me its a mother mourning a child.. CRY) and im like TT-TT. ZAMN. anyway. im so tire. but i wont be able to do anything online for a while so i wanna show my love while i cannnn. ow my neck. i just like went to crack it but now like the left side of my neck hurts like i pulled it or smth. ow. my shit is so tight fr.
why is naruto so good but so bad? like imagine if naruto was good.. it would be so fucking awesome. it could be like the best show ever. anyway gn. i updated some stuff to homepage like. nothing that good tho lol. also i added the link to my spacehey on me page bc like. b4 i was really embarrassed of it (all my shit is public in case i forget my password so i can read my shit again.. whatever) but like now its like. idk. idkkkkkk im still embarrassed ab everything but i feel ok putting it there. bc like. this is just as much a revealing show of myself as that is, just in different ways ig. god its so melodramatic over there tho. kinda bled into here tho eg. my last entry, woops. idk. im just a dramatic person ig. weak willed. etc. god naruto couldve been so fucking good. also for some reason text on this page is fucky. like, opened this in new browser and the links to like "summer '22" look weird b4 u click them, but then afterwards their fine so i gotta edit that. ya. nighty night


Time: 02:32

mood: idk.

removed the spacehey link. idk. i dont want anyone to see. i want someone to see. i dont want to contaminate this space w all my negativity, its not what Bebetcy is supposed to be. i'm not sure what to do . i dont know which direction to take this. i dont know what my goal is.
oh i'm back from the trip now, so that's nice. we got in at like 23 and i jumped right online browsing stuff. the trip went okay. the sleeping cabin was full of dock spiders and i was really scared most nights, one night i saw them on the beam right above my head and i was freaked. i couldnt sleep for hours, and i wanted to go on my phone or smth but i couldnt bc the light would attract them. ew. i slept rlly poorly every night, the bed was really uncomfortable hahhhhh it takes me a long time to fall asleep anyway but this was like hours. just chilling with my thoughts, great. somehow i manage to stress myself out like that, i think up every terrible thing i need to prepare for. and of course just marinate in how much i suck. makes me wanna off myself lmao
i swam a lot. i havent since last year. i swam out to the island in the middle of the bay 3 times every day (except for the 2 i didnt swim). idk i just spent like 20min looking for a map of the lake but i couldnt find one w a legible key for distance so idk how far it was. a good amt though. it hurt my knee a bit but i powered through. ugh. even when i wanted to get out of the water it was like "oh but imagine how many cal u burn just by being in the water" so yeah. that was my mindset the whole trip. everything. was like that. somehow i wasnt able to control food intake though. why am i like this. i kept eating sugary shit though, like 4 smores a night some nights like. just so much. like i wouldnt need to burn all those cals if i just didnt eat them in the first place, especially since i have no idea how much i burned swimming, if it covered it, just stupid. so dumb. so dumb.
started reading unbearable lightnes. so far i really like it, i'm like 4 chapters in. the way she describes the insane feelings are so relatable. idk. somehow it makes me feel more like a failure though. lmao. why am i like this?
i guess this is a good time to link something-fishyits a good resource if you havent visited it yet.


Time: 19:50

mood: lethargic

hello! i haven't updated in a hot minute--i guess its pretty true i only feel like updating when i'm not feeling good. today's been okay. i'm done with thxgiving break. honestly these past few days have been a mix of sucky and happy, i'm happy to spend time with my sisters and my mom and Q, jefe really does make things stressful though, and my knees been an ass. break has just felt really, stuffy. i just feel like on the cusp of a headache at all times, my body feels sore and uncomfortable, and i just feel sleepy. a very stuffy lethargic break. and very boring. its only been 3 days home, 1 day travel, but its felt way longer. my screen time has been insane lol. yeah. i'm done. happy to go back to campus tmrw, though i'm not thrilled at the travel. hopefully next year i can just stay on campus for break.
i've been pretty happy at school. had some ups and downs but its been nice. i have a lot more freedom and expanse to go around. much better than here. i've made a couple friends and i have a guy i'm seeing now +3+ so, thats fun. classes have been going well too, i feel pretty fulfilled w my work and i really like my one professor so that makes her class fun! so yeah. haven't had much time or really desire to play video games or do this neocities stuff recently, but i've had other stuff i've been enjoying, idk. i just feel really stuffy and cramped here, and i'm ready to go back. my flight is tmrw at 09:00 so we're leaving for the airport at 07:15 ab, yeah. i guess i should pack. i'm debating whether or not i bring all my crochet stuff. i've only started it up again since i've been back, but maybe if i brought it with me it would turn into a legitimate hobby? idk. i think i will.


Time: 21:05

mood: chill

bg movie: friday after next

i started up an entry yesteday but i scrapped it. uhhh yeah. back home for chrimmy break. its been chill ig. yesterday i hung out, finished up some school work, and watched movie. today not much, did some painting, played piano, hung out (lol), watched like, 3 movies, hung out w my sister. yeah. i'm trying not to feel bored yet bc i still got 23 days here but like, girl. its hard. i think what i'll do is print out a big calander of the next 23 days, make a list of goals to complete within those days, and then check off the days as they pass so that way i feel more productive.
i'm also thinking ab messaging the liquor store manager and asking for shifts butttt i dont wanna upset my knee. its already more painful than normal w all the stairs i gotta do now that i'm home. legit 3 flights of the stairs from my bedroom to the basement just to wash my shit, and like, i'm butt scooting down but man, coming back up makes my knee so sore. i'm checking out fr. bye.
but these past weeks have been kinda crazyyy
started off strong w 8hr grind sesh in the library finishing my latin final, then had my jpn test and latin final pres thennnn me and my bf got a cheap airbnb and well.. lets just say.

surrealist experience of my life so far prolly sitting out on the steps of the airbnb freezing my ass off waiting for the doordash plan b dafuq.

LMAO anyway.
i hope to see my friend quinn someimte, they busy tmrw but hopefully we can do shit this week. we thinking of going to see the stupid ass timothee chalemet wonky slush movie lmao but i also wanna hang out and catchup bc we havent had a real debrief in a hot min.


Time: 00:56

mood: crusted

bg vid: retroGamingNow minecraft alpha theory

i'm home again. it seems the times when i am are the times i'm free to work on bebetcy. not feeling good. feeling like i'm just a rotting thing. i'm trying to keep myself on task, i'm trying to keep a schedule, stay organized. but i'm slipping---or i've slipped and i'm not getting up. i dont feel super depressed or anything. but my physicality is different than usual, its throwing me off. eating this much is making me nostalgic somehow, my body hasnt felt like this in a while. i just feel a bit disappointed and things feel futile. i'm just hanging on to the hope that i can stop this, that i can bounce back from this. its just that, i shouldnt even be maintaining at this point, but i'm overeating. i havent even made near my goal yet, i'm so far. and i'm just slowing myself by doing this. i dont feel completely finished, because i know i'm not gaining, or i cant be gaining more than a lb or 2, it just feels like so much because i havent had near it in a while. so this might not be more than slight overeating. but i still feel panick. sleeping is difficult, i feel cloudy in the head not like when i'm hungry but a different kind, more lazy. my body feels so bloated and full, i hate it. i feel like a massive slug like my skin is bursting with fat. i look and feel so much more plush and stuffed. not fun.
its not like i was perfect before i got here. i was slipping on my intake for the past 3 weeks, one day binges trailing into higher cal days the next day, and "back to resing" becoming a higher number. but it wasnt like this. eating as soon as i wake up and late into the night. i know my physical state will reinforce my mental state, so i'm trying, i'm trying to make things feel normal by being out of bed by 10 and having morning coffee, vitamins, 32oz of water. then going upstairs, washing my face, changing, or first exercising then showering then dressing. then going back downstairs, looking at my calendar (time moves forward, a reminder), looking at my academics, reminding myself of my responsibilities. but everything feels so far away. i dont have the motivation to work on anything, not on that crochet cat for my friend, or my work, or anything, reading, restricting, i dont do anything. i go on my phone, i played webkinz for like 3hrs and then browsed edc (while eating, fml) and then watched youtube videos and then fucked around and made mac and cheese, and ate a billion fucking calories, non stop eating. i get the results of my mri on friday, i'm secretly hoping it will be cancer because i want something definitively horrible. to explain everything. i just dont know what i want in my life and things feel really difficult. i'm sick of food, but only in that i'm sick of liking it. i'm sick of needing it. i feel best when i'm in bouts of successful, consistent low res, but it doest last forever, my routine changes at some point, or i cant keep up with school work, in the end i eat more. and then its just a cycle of trying to work back up to that success again. its just difficult. i just feel demoralized. i know i can get back up, things just feel hard right now. actually i dont know if i cant get back up. i know some can people cycle between losing and gaining the same 10lb for years without tangible progress, but that cant be me, not yet, i'm not close to where i want to be, i have a time limit i have to be thinner NOW i cant be them, but i dont know how they started, i dont know how they go from successful resing to that cycle and how thats different from whats happening to me right now. i'm scared i wont make my goal. this is my life. this has been my life. this is the only thing i have i cant lose it now, not when i'm finally seeing progress. i feel like i'm finally becoming myself i'm finally getting a taste of being free, i cant go back to being fat. or i cant continue to be. i cant go back to being obese, really. i have all this on the line but i cant fucking stop eating. i'm never satisfied. i know i wont be but i eat anyway, i dont get the point. i feel out of control, but not like a binge, just a general lack of direction thats making me not stick to my principles. i probably shouldnt be posting this here. i dont care


Time: 21:03

mood: sleepy

am i the only one who feels like our lives are meaningless? i just feel like, as a species, we've outgrown whatever purpose we had in the wild and now dont have any reason to exist. i mean, what the fuck even is this... youre telling my ancestors evolved for millions of years to just to subject themselves to capitalism? i just dk. i just cant see my own life as having any substantial meaning or the lives of anyone else. at this point the only reason to exist is if its enjoyable or if you have a dependent. i'm not having any joy, and i dont have anyone that depends on me, so whats my purpose? i'm "stimulating myself intellectually" (ew that sounds so pretentious) but i am like, i'm studying/have studied interesting things, i like learning, i like consuming art+music+stories/whatever, i have hobbies, but i'm just not having fun. nothing i do outweighs my pain on a day to day basis, and i dont have some large overarching goal that i need to be working towards.

looking to the future, like, my career future might be questionable since i dont know what i want to do (or will have the capability of doing) but i've done everything i can to set up a nice future for myself. i'm doing well in college, i'm doing research, i'm doing classes i like and classes i know will get me a job. i dont see why what i'm doing now wouldnt help me get at least some kind of financially comfortable-ish life. i dont see myself having kids, i dont really see myself having a partner, and thats completely fine to me. all i hope to have is enough money to meet my needs and enough to travel when i can. in everything else my future looks positive, and i mourn it. none of that matters when i'm in a body that wont allow me to enjoy any of it.

my day to day life is so insufferable and theres no escape. i rot. i just wish i could walk. i dont know how other disabled people do it, maybe everything else they have that motivates them to keep living outweighs their disability, but for me not being able to walk is such a tangible loss. i miss it so much. i miss not being in pain all the time. i miss being able to go outside and feel the ground under me, i miss being able to interact with my environment, being able to explore and have fun. we are soft animals, born to explore and enjoy our planet, and to make and discover beautiful things as we go. my body is an animal, i am an animal, and i'm not fulfilling my part. we evolved to walk and to exist as bodies in nature, but our society is so strict on extracting our minds as machines, killing any kind of primitive instinct off and just working ourselves to death. maybe modern life would be manageable for me if there was at least some kind of release from time to time, of being able to choose to leave the house if i want to, fuck just be able to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom, and have some kind relationship with nature and our planet, to interact with the lifestyle we were evolved to live in at least some capacity. nothing i do will get me to that point. not stressing over studies or money or relationships, nothing.

i was able to endure everything else when i knew i had an end to the suffering eventually, even if i couldnt see it, but now i know there is no end.... i just kinda think i'm done. i dont see a point in continuing my life when i'm not getting any fulfillment from it. maybe i'll have better luck in my next reincarnation and be born in an abled body. or not. i dont even need to be reincarnated, i dont care, i just want it to stop. what was the fucking point. what was the point. all the surgery, all the pain, an entire life spent cycling between disabled and abled, going through all these ups and downs just waiting for the next chance i'll get that small period of relief where i can exist in minimal pain and be able to function, and now knowing its never coming back, that those small periods were an anomaly and not who i truly am. that this was never a mountain tunnel with a light at the end, but a never ending cave i keep digging deeper and deeper. my body will only become more crippled in the future and i'm just so tired. i have no interest in doing this anymore.

everything i see online people say "live for the little things" "live for your next show to get a new season!" "live for the things that make you happy!" nothing makes me happy. i've had to drop so many hobbies or activities for my body, and every time it was like "oh cant ___ anymore. thats okay at least i have __!" but now i have nothing. i fucking loved going for walks, those daily walks after school everyday were all i had. i love nature more than anything else and i'm so sick of this. i'm so sick of spending every single fucking day in bed or on a couch or wheelchair. my life had meaning when i could enjoy being outside. my life had meaning when i knew i just had to suffer through the winter and that one day i would be able to see the sun again. i cant even go to the fucking beach anymore. i cant go outside just because i feel like it. fuck.

i'm in the process of trying to get a wheelchair and it could be hundreds or thousands of dollars for a comfortable chair thats not going to put me in more pain than i already am. and fuck. whats the point? why do i need to be even more of a financial burden on my mother? i just hate my fucking life. i really have nothing left. and i hate everyone else too. i just hate our society and i hate our way of life. even if i wasnt disabled i would, but i think at that point my life would be so much more enjoyable that i would be able to overlook it. but as it is, being disabled is actually a nightmare. i think my life is punishment for whatever i did in a past life because honestly hell exists and its outside me. i just, yeah. i'm so fucking done.


Time: 22:45

mood: stressed

music: LP2 - sdr

tea: peppermint

i have an essay due at 8:30 tmrw. i fucking hate life TT-TT. i'm feeling a bit better today. my knee is feeling marginally better from the knee cap moving out of place, which was causing me a lot of pain the past 2 weeks, so i went to the gym today. 25min on the bike, lat pull down, seated row, and lots of stretching. it didnt feel like i did much but its better than last week where i did nothing. my diet was pretty good today, but then i started binging like an hour ago. i ate like 6 tahoe cookies.. at 130 a piece i'm fucked. on top of the other milano cookies. i also ate popcorn and rice cakes. i'm just so fucked. i dont think i have it in me to write this essay. i only have 1 source so far and the outline. the doc is blank. and yall are probably wondering "well zuri, how tf did you not expecct this after procrastinating all spring break?" but tbh i forgive myself. i really did need just a week of no school work to just recover and be. its just now im paying the consequences for that. ugh. i know ill be able to turn in smth tmrw, i always manage to come up w some kinda bullshit, anythings better than a zero. but i wanted to do well :/ i really wanna maintain my average, and so far i've been able to get good grades. like i'm not pretty, i'm not skinny, the least i can do is have good grades. idk. i'm just hoping things get better.

last week we got an old wheelchair from our neighbor for a few days. it was like one of the hospital ones so it kinda sucked but whatever. i wheeled myself up from our house to the a local nature park. it was pretty difficult, the wheels kept getting stuck in the sidewalk cracks and sank in the gravel paths of the park but idk. i think it was worth it. it was nice to just look at plants and stuff. and be in silence. my hands got a ton of blisters tho. but yeah. so that gave me hope, so i'm trying to hold on to that.

but the fat on my body is becoming really unbearable. like before even it wasnt like this, but i cant go a second without feeling it, feeling my arms brush the fat on my stomach---my stomach is becoming a really big problem. i hate how it makes my pants bulge, i want to look like a piece of cardboard. i feel like its suffocating me. i think i mustve gained a lot of weight over break. my scale only says i've just been fluctuating by the same 3lbs for the past month but i feel heavier, i feel like i'm 10 or 15 heavier. i mustve lost muscle and gained fat or smth. my stomach is so massive, it hangs over all my pelvis and is just so big. i can grab handfuls of it and i hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it. i dont fucking know what to do :/


Time: 21:15

mood: meh

music: ocelot - foxing

i'm just not even a person. i feel like a ghost. i ate too much today. chick fil a lunch with some people from class, i wasnt supposed to have dinner but then i had an entire bag of brownie brittle, and then a sweet potato with butter, and then at like 20 i had a fucking pizza bagel, the biggest no no food of all time. and a large brownie. i just dont know what to do with myself. i feel so greasy and disgusting. i feel choked. i hate this. my stomach feels like a black hole. i just dont get why i cant just let go like everyone else "i just couldnt stop myself from losing weight" i fucking wish that was me. every pound is such a fucking struggle and i'm just stuck eternally in a fucking binge-restrict cycle. i just wish i knew how to do it right, the right method, the right mindset, i'm doing something fundamentally flawed. i just want to be a real person already. i'm sick of living like this, i just want it to be over.


Time: 23:00

mood: sleepy

music: keep on - alfa mist

i just dont get how its a survival advantage to have a body so disobedient to the mind. i dont understand why it would ever be beneficial to have two minds, one that knows whats best for the whole and the other that persues pleasure. which is why it doesnt exist. its easy to think your body is craving sugar or wants sugar, it really doesnt. it doesnt have want for anything. it cant think. its my own mind thats split, and unable to commit. it doesnt make sense that my body would ever crave sugar because its not. cravings dont exist. i just wanted sugar but didnt want to take the blame. cravings dont exist because theres nothing physical that puts you in an uncontrollable state, everything is constantly controllable because i generate the seemingly uncontrollable urges themselves. they dont spawn for the sake of spawning, i create them in my own brain out of my own desire. my body is utterly quiet. all this noise solely lives in my brain. my body is not conflicted. my body is not pulling me in one direction and my brain the other. my brain is making up conflict for the sake of conflict. in reality i am one single entity. there is no conflict of desire, there is only one desire. i am physically unified, and i purposely disunify myself by validating the different characters i have as equal. maybe so it feels less lonely. theres really only 1 me. i have to practice silence and commitment to 1 thing. i have to not let myself get confused by all the possibilities of everything and create personas out of them that can argue for my attention and time. every decision i make comes from personas i create of potential actions arguing for whos most correct and who should be approached first. its a balancing act of keeping everyone happy, having all aspects of my life's needs met, that just makes everything loud and crazy. i dont think it needs to be like this though. i just need sleep, breathing, and balance. i need to be grounded and separate my internal world from the actual reality i live. because my internal struggles really dont have any significance, i'm just making myself miserable for no discernable reason, other than wanting to be a victim.


Time: 20:48

mood: happy

music: joni mitchell - what i want

the sun revives me. after classes today I just spent a couple hours outside on the patio before the dorms, it was really nice. 73*, sunny, blue skies. it felt really amazing. i spent a lot of time just doodling and reading and watching people and birds, it was really nice. at one point my roomate came out and sat with me and started calling over her friends, and i might not like callie, but her friends are chill (well, the girls are. her guy friends are all asshats tbh) but anyway, we all were hanging out and that was fun. then callie started day drinking and doing the whole "omg guys i'm so drunk :p" and we were all like, okay, girl its a thursday and we have tests but have fun lol. but yeah.
after that i got dinner w my rahul at like 19:30, which was pretty late, but i managed to not eat until then so i was pretty proud of myself. hes kinda funny, i think he likes me which is too bad bc i'm kinda undecided on how i feel about him. he chews with his mouth open which totally urked, so theres that. lol. and hes a little too into smoking/weed for me, like i get high ofc but its not my whole personality yk? but i thought that maybe he just thinks thats common ground between us and is why he keeps bringing it up, but i think its really just a main hobby for him. and i get it, i mean hes super busy w work + taking extra classes so i really think its his way of decompressing, and is genuinely something he finds fun. which, ok. but... yeah.
idk i think we're fine as friends, but i'm not really looking for a relationship. like hes honestly really nice and an interesting person, so i just wish we could have a close friendship without it going anywhere. i want to be able to hang out with people one on one without it needing to become more than friends? like, if he says anything, then thatll be 4/8 friends i've made here so far that have confessed feelings for me. which is kinda baffling considering i only felt like 1 of them really knew me as a person. *shrugs*. idk i dont want to date any other freshmen tbh, i just feel like no one my age rn really has themselves or who they want to be figured out so i dont see anything ending well. or be worthwhile. but i still had fun hanging out with him, and i kinda dread him saying anything to me, bc i feel like once you tell someone you dont like them like that they dont want to invest in you anymore. they dont want to spend time with you, because the only reason they spent that time in the first place was because they thought they were going to get a relationship out of it. not friendship. which yeah i dont get it. dont you want people in your life that you can do things like get dinner with and have fun with and feel understood by without having to necessarily committing to trusting and loving them in their entirety? like i love my bestie from hs but i would never date them, i dont like them like that. but we're still really close. i feel like the people who confessed to me think would view me and my friend hanging out as dates lmao. bc what. i cant get dinner or go to the movie w out it being something? ffs. anyway, he tried to hug me before he left and i just high fived him instead. lmao. but seriously? a hug? we've literally gotten dinner 3 times, like, i just learned you had siblings today, you really think we're close enought for that? it just makes me so uncomfortable. like, i dont think i'm doing anythign wrong. i act pretty much the same with everyone, and most of them dont see me romantically so whats up with that. and no, half the confessors were girls so its not just a guy thing. but also all 2 of the guys i made friends with and hung out with outside of class are counted in that like... ok. idk. i mean i had 2 male friends in hs and one was gay and the other was trans so maybe i just dont know how to interract with cis guys? or maybe cis straight guys only want to hang out with girls to date? like.

OH WAIT did i tell you guys about last friday/saturday???
so yall know i like, dont get out much right. so callie invited me out with her friends to go clubbing. and this was like my first time so i was like, yes pls. so we pregamed at her one friends aptmt and he was fun, and everyone there was fun, and it was a blast. like i took an edible before i went with her, so like it was kicking in like an hour into the pregame. and then at like 22 we went to this thing that was like, a bar w bowling and karaoke and axe throwing and shit, and we hung out there for a while, i was high and drunk off my ass and was stairing at the cieling while ppl bowled it was great (also even tho i had the munchies i didnt have any food so i didnt eat!!! :)) ). then we went to this hispanic club and it was ok. not everyone went so it was like me, callie, and this girl and 2 guys. one of the guys was into the girl and the other one was into callie, so all 4 just kinda went off and left me which was kinda ass. so i just was sitting in a booth. oh i was also wearing this fucking shein dress w the boob window? lmao i felt a lil insecure bc i always feel like a clown when i do makeup or dress up, and it was skin tight and short on me (bc yall know im 6'1") so i was worried ab my stomach showing and it riding up on my thighs, but idk. her friends told me i looked sexy so i was like, purr.

so anyway. i was in the booth, still high, just kinda feeling the music rumble through me, my knee was sore but i was high so i didnt care. and this guy keeps looking over at me and then comes into my booth and is starts speaking some spanish too me, and like, ik a lil from my mom but... nuh nuh soy mui male. lol. but i was like desperately trying to pick out what he was saying, but it was also loud af in there so that didnt help. so he got out a translator and was like "this doesnt look like your scene" "youre very beautiful" and "wanna come w me and my friends?" and i was like "sure! where would we go?" and then he spoke spanish with his friends and one of them came up instead and were talking to me and he also was like "youre so pretty" "you should come w us" "i'm crazy in love with you" (??) (which i thought he was joking). and there was a girl w them and she was idk everyone was trying to speak to me in spanish but i only understood them and they only understood me when they had the translator phone, so... but it felt like they just wanted to hang out so i followed them out. the girl was like "con todos or el" and i was like "yeah? i thought everyone was leaving together.." and she was nodding so i was like, cool. so we all got in the one guys car and were driving, and it was also loud bc music and everyone was talking over eachother, idk. i was like "donde vamos?" and someone asked if i wanted to get food w them, and i was like ya, and the girl was like we'll go to mcdonalds, and they were also asking me where i lived and stuff like that. and then the gps said my address so i thought they were dropping me back off? but then we pulled into a gas station, and some including the girl got out, and these two guys were left and they were asking me shit like why did i have the cane, what happened to my leg, if i was intersex???? i very clearly heard that. and OH DID I MENTION the whole time we were in the car, the one guy next to me was like "darme un beso" "queiro probar los labios" like. OMFG WHAT. and i was just trying to pretend i didnt understand, but like. girl. so anyway. back in the car. i was like when are we getting to mcdonalds, ppl were talking more. the girl on her phone said "do you want to go home w my cousin (the guy sitting next to me i guess)" i was like on the phone "no, i thought we were going to mcdonalds? i'm confused whats going on?" and she was like "do you regret coming with us?" and i was like "idk. my life wasnt really going anywhere anyway." and she laughed and was like "what do you want to do. do you like my cousin?" i was like "no.." and she "ok we'll take you back to your university" and i was like "thank you *heart*" and she was like "its nothing. girls look out for eachother." which was sweet. but what. also yeah i was kinda not outright screaming "take me home!!" because i was 1. high, 2. really wanted mcdonalds like, and 3. i wanted to do something fun, i was honestly really hoping to yk have some whimsy left in the world and make some new friends at a club, like why not? why does everything have to be scary and stupid, cant we just be like "hey we're strangers, wanna get mcdonalds?" why cant we live in a world like that? so anyway. the gps was saying my address so i was a bit disappointed bc the past few hours atp hadnt been fun (it was like 3am), not since we left the pregame dorm. but anyway. but then ppl started talking again, and the guy next to me was like "youre coming to our house" what. "your sleeping at our house." and i was like oh fuck this is the part where i get raped and trafficked, right? so i was like "no no no take me home" he was like "my friends too tired to drive now we'll take you in the morning" "just one night" etc etc i was like... ok. guess i die. i even fucking texted callie that like, wait let me find the text.

Saturday, 03:19
"if i get murdered tonight dont worry my life wasnt doing much in the first place"
like i actually fucking sent that LMAO. anyway. so we pull up to the guys house and me the guy next to me and his sister get out. the other two drive off. we go in and the house is completely dark---the living room was also completely empty, no furniture, nothing, just a single pink blow up castle in the far corner. then i followed down a hallway to a bedroom, where it was also pretty empty, off white walls, wood panel floor, no decor, only a queen sized bed pushed up to the wall on the far side, and a blue blow up mattress to its right. at the front of the room was a stand and a tv. (i actually recreated the entire house in sims when i got back to the dorm lmao). the girl lies down on the mattress, i'm like "wheres the bano" lmao, but the guy shows me to it, and i like idk. my head was actually pretty empty i was just like, yeah. idk. i had stuffed some leggings in my purse so i put those on so i felt less exposed, and i peed, and i stared in the mirror for a lil bit. my phone was on 20% so i turned it shut it down to save battery so i'd have enough to get an uber the next day. and lmao while i was in there i could hear the guy outside the door w fuckign google translate voice trying to say stuff to me like "we arent bad people" like???? LMAOOOOO. i was just like theres no way my life is real, that thought kept playing in my head. oh and also some guy tried to walk in on me while i was peeing and i think it was like somebodies fucking parents???? LMAO. anyway. i'm back in their bedroom. i put my bag down on a table by the bed and the guy was lying in the bed, and he kept gesturing and telling me to get into the bed w him. and i was like... ugh. but i did end up sitting at the end of the bed, but then he kept coaxing me towards the back w the pillows, so i did eventually. when i got close i could see the guy was also totally high so that calmed me a bit? like this was a weird fuckign night but if we were also both stoned that made sense, i guess. and the girl put on el chapo, the guy fell asleep ig so me and her were watching that. i didnt actually sleep at all but i kinda dozed on and off, the guy kept crowding me which was uncomfortable and i was kinda reeling from the whole thing but also i was still very high---it was a weird combination, feeling like my life was in danger but not really giving a fuck. anyway. so in and out of a doze for a couple hours, stairing at a cieling, el chapo actually was pretty good, i was invested tbh. and this was the most spanish exposure i've had in a while so i was like thinking all that over and all the words i heard which was cool, but yeah the guy kept trying to touch me, like would lay his arm across my boobs and i'd like try to shift it off, the whole time i was just praying to go back to my dorm, i just want to be in my own bed so badly, etc. but i was also just so curious about them? like if the guy was trying to invite me over for sex, then why was his cousin, who slept in the same room as him, encouraging it? why was their house so empty? why did they have such a large bedroom when the parents i could hear snoring in the next room over seemed to be in such a small one (going off the size of the house anyway)? but its just totally impossible they would invite me over for sex OH DID I MENTION that in the car the girl was ask me did i like chicas. LIIIKKKEEEEE WAIT i completely forgot that. but anyway, i just cant believe they would actually invite me over for the purpose of sex, like, i'm ugly. i'm fat and ugly, and so that just seems so improbable? i just dont get it. and also, does this imply they did this often? would they often try to pick up girls at the club, like her and her cousin? like WHAT. i just dont get it???!!!! if they did want sex were they planning on having a 3 some w me?? LIKE WHAT IM SO... anyway, so then at one point the guy turns over to me and tries to full on cuddle me and i was like hell no. so i get the fuck up to the end of the bed and i go on my phone looking at ubers and they were like 45 fucking dollars. like what. it was 7am. so i kinda just looked at the guy and was like, fuck, is the next 4 hours (bc the guy said his friends would be up at 11) of my life worth $45?
and the guy wakes up and tells me to come back to bed, and he calls someone but they dont pick up (probably his friend), so i was in my head like, i dont get it. i didnt even have sex with you, had that been what you wanted, so why are you going to try to get a ride for me? i didnt do anything to earn it, i just dont get it. so he coaxes me back, and switches spots with me so this time i get to sleep on the free side, i guess, the one that didnt have the wall caging it so i felt less trapped. he also turned off the tv so it was pitch black now which was much worse. el chapo was my friend. so i stayed lying down for the next maybe 20 min. then i turn my phone back on and check uber again. miraculously the prices were like $15 now and well, my life was certainly worth $15, so i got up again and put on my rain coat that i also had stuffed in my purse (and people were heckling me for bringing a bigass bag smh. i was so fucking thankful i thought to bring the leggings.), and zipped it up and tried to detangle my hair, and the guy was asking me if i already called my uber, i said yes it comes in 5 minutos. so i was about to leave their bedroom but i heard him get up and he led me out. back through the empty living room, i had to double check there was actually a pink blow up castle in the corner (creepy), and we stood on the platform before the steps. he was STILL asking me to give him a kiss. and i was just so thoroughly confused. i forgot "por que" so i was just silent and baffled. the wind smelled and felt good though so i was happy to be outside, and the darkness was just starting to lighten so i felt pretty hopeful and reassured that things were fine. and he asked me for a hug, so i was like, fine, and then he kissed my cheek. and then kept asking me for a kiss. like genuinely why. why. i dont get it, i really dont. you just fucking me me, and i dont see anything to gain from that, besides spread herpes or whatever. like genuinely. sexual desire i can understand but i dont understand why he would be trying to sollicate a kiss? if it was a bet, like, sex as a bet would make more sense. how are you gonna brag that you tried to pick up a girl but in the end she only gave you a kiss? i dont get it. i really dont. how would that stroke his ego? would it? is it just the satisfaction from knowing that any girl would give you a kiss? would that make him feel attractive somehow? i dont get it. but like thank god the uber showed up then so i just left. and drove back to my dorm. and took a shower as soon as i dropped off my bag and then i curled up into bed w my smore plushie and slept. so yeah thats my clubbing adventure story. idr know what i learned from it. maybe dont go home with strangers. and also that i should really put some effort into spanish bc i really dont know anythign close to as much as i think i do. but otherwise, it was just so weird. is it bad i still think they seemed chill tho? like i still dont really get why we didnt just like go to mcdonalds or smth. why would having sex w a stranger, (or from the girls pov) watching ur cousin have sex w a stranger be fun? i dont get it.


last night i thought i was gonna kill myself. i walked out off campus and into the woods. it was cold, and the long walk was painful, and i stepped in a creek and got scratched up from brambles. i went up a hill and sat down in the dirt for a few hours. the moon was really pretty.
i dont know. i came back but i dont know if anythings really changed. i feel like im still toeing the edge. i put on makeup and this bright pink reggae jumpsuit w a pine green sweater over it. i probably look crazy idgaf. ive just spent all day in the dorm. life just doesnt feel real. i feel like i'm dreaming. i took 30mg a bit ago so those might kick in in a bit. ive been sober for like a month now so im hoping my tolerance is reset. i was having to take like 50mg whenever i wanted to get high which was really using up my supply.


god i'm just so sick of myself. i'm so so so so so so sick of being here of being like this i just cant do this. i cant do this anymore. i cant stop i jus tdont know what to do. i feel llike im on the precipice of a black hole, and just binging i want food so badly but i hate it i hatee it i know i will never get the pleasure i picture from it in my head but i just want so much food right now i dont know what to do. its torture. my tongue is just tingling in anticipation though, i dont know what to do . i just dont understand why my life is so fucking meaningless in the first place but then on top of this i have to suffer through all of this through everything through all of this i just dont know whata to do anymore. i just dont know. i feel like screaming. its so hard. its so hard. i am tantalus incarnate. i just need to start over. i need to go back in the womb and start everything over. i would never become fat if i knew. if i only knew. my fat is getting in the way of everything. maybe i would be fucking happy if i just lost the fucking weight. 10lb by may, its not that fucking hard. and ive been doing nothign but maintaining the past 3 months, its fucking ass. its ass. and its stopping me from everything. if i was already skinny i wouldnt need to worry about whether or not i was attractive enough to do anything, to make firends with people, i wouldnt constantly need to question everything i would just be. i cant. anymore. its too difficult. i can feel the fat cells being made on my stomach right now!!! i can feel them bubbling and multiplying from the icecream i ate, i can feel the fat being made i can feel it. i can feel myself becoming more fat and more fat . i can feel the skin puff up from th efaat. god i just need to get to the fucking gym tomorrow let me get to the fuckign gym tomorrow please i promise i will work it off and things will be better iw ont eat any sugar from now on i promise i know exactly what ill eat just let me get to the gym.


Time: 22:05

music: YYZ - Rush

YIPPEEEEEEE i'm so fucking excited!!!!!!! tmrw i'm getting my septum pierced!!!!! ^w^ happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so fucking excited!!!!!! its at 16:30 so i'll pretty much be off campus all day. i'll probably take the 13:50 bus and yeah, then after the appmt i'm planning on getting dinner at a sushi place near the transit center :))))) YIPEEEEEE so its gonna be a whole adventure. omg i cant fucking waitt!!!!!!!!!!!!!

today was pretty great! i woke up at like 11 and went to the gym from like 12:30 - 15:00, and i did like 30min bike, then i tried out cable overhead pulldowns and cable face pulls that i usually feel embarrassed to do when there are other ppl waiting for the machine, then i did like under thigh oneee, and yeah. then i did a bunch of stretching as usual. then i went and took a shower, washed my hair, took forever etc. then from like 16 - 17 i iced my leg and chilled in bed a bit. then 17 went and got dinner, and while i was eating my friend vicky showed up and her roomate too so we all ate together which was fun. after that i came here to the library and i've been working on my research paper. yippee.

yesterday was mixed. from like dinner and before it was pretty mid, i was upset bc i didnt realize the gym had different hours than normal so i was trying to go at like 16 and it was closed, so i was really deflated, bc i just lazed around and rested all day thinking i was gonna be able to go gym later. so i panicked and had a mini binge on trolli gummy worms. which sucked. so i was feeling like shit, but i ate dinner. grabbed a dessert on my way out which is also a big nono. just had wayy too much sugar yesterday, ugh. but then after that i had a big binge urge but i curbed it w gum and by coming to the library to do jpn hw. i was pretty productive and got a bunch done, so yay. while i was up there rahul showed up and hated on my laptop for a bit, and then left to work on his own stuff. couple more hours doing jpn. i had to piss like a mf and was debating going back to my dorm or finishing one more assignment, and i chose to stick it out, which was good! bc then he showed up again and hung out. he showed me his coding projects, like ordering papa johns from terminal which was something. a group of guys showed up after a bit and we went to go sit on the steps and smoke. most of them were from different colleges but one of them actually went here. noone actually brought any cigs bc they thought everyone else had them, but this one guy let us hit is thc vape. i thought vaping was more comfortable than smoking, you can exhale it through your nose w out worrying ab it hurting, etc (thumbs up). so that was fun. everyone was really giggly and funny :p after like 20min the group of guys left, and me and rahul packed up our stuff and went back to the dorm. we were pretty zoinked. while we were in the hallway going back the one girl who lives across from me whos like really religious (bible verse on the whiteboard lol) and straightlaced chose that exact moment to come out and fill her water bottle (??this late??) so ofc she tries to start talking to me, and im like fucking trapped by her bc im in the stupid mobility scooter TToTT, i was like fuck fuck fuck just act normal just act normal, kinda freaking out a lil bit, her drawing of the cross on her board was freaking me out. so while i was trying to do that i was simultaneously trying to keep rahul from escaping into the stairwell bc i wanted to hang out more, so it was like whipping my head back and forth like talking to her and trying to signal to him.. lmao. im always in weird situations when im high fr. anyway, eventually she goes around the corner to fill her bottle, and rahul gives me a hug but doesnt stay (apparently he fell twice trying to get to his dorm and was like shivering all over, which is hilarrrious to me bc i was nowhere near that high yet when we were hitting it he was the one going "noo dont hit it so many times" and i was like who tf do you think you are, i do edibles way more than you.) anyway, so that was fun.

my opinion on rahul and friendship has changed since, wow, exactly 10 days ago lol. but idk i think things are chill? idk i just feel like there was a shift in my mind over the past 2 days, i feel less crazy about things? i think the good weather is totally a factor, but i also feel like things are more manageable right now. the last few weeks have been really terrible w the amt of stress i had for school and everything else, i missed a bunch of classes and felt like i was drowning under assignments, so last week like, i missed a ton of classes and took zeros for stuff, but i think it was helpful to have a week where i prioritize myself over my work. idk. so i think thats why i can feel normal today. but on friendships, i feel idk i think when im in the rut i feel really defensive over myself so i'm weary of everything. i dont share unless asked, i assume people dont like me or want to interract with me, i think i'm more hostile and more judgemental. but also just incredibly lonely. so that all combined makes me feel so alone and unable to connect. "they didnt ask me ___, they dont really care about me their selfish etc" vs when i interract w these people relaxed and its like i say shit unprompted and i get a better response in turn. like i just get really quiet when im like that and its difficult to share, so i think for others its difficult for them to interract w me since they have to carry the conversation. which then just makes strain. but when im like that ppl become my lifeline, so i become really sensitive to our time together/apart. so everything about themselves and their motives becomes super important, i analyze everything and cant let it go. and its not like im saying this now bc ive let that aspect go completely, i think when i become depressed again this cycle will start. i dont have friends because i'm depressed > i'm depressed because i dont have friends, etc. and its not like there arent things that make me happy when i dont have others around, but things just feel so helpless at times and it doesnt matter if i love art or working on bebetcy or anything, i just dont have the motivation to do any of it. but people and friends fill that need to be understood which can help lift my depression and therefore make me happier bc it renews my drive, my sense of belonging on the planet, and therefore a sense of purpose. on the day to day, like almost everyday this year before this evening, ive felt like im dreaming, hazy on existence. like theres this belief that the past present and future are all running at the same time and are only separated by a thing gauze. and to me i always feel like my conscious is shifting through the gauze between the present and past mes. im a dweller. i have detailed memories for so many events of my life stretching back so far that it oftens feels like i've never lived any of them. i believe i am a computer programmed with those memories for that day, a conscious that can shift into another body and assume those memories, or another body, idk. or like i'm dreaming. i remember my dreams very clearly too and those and memories dont feel different to me at all. its just, i feel like at any moment i could suddenly wake up and realize my entire life was just an elaborate dream. i feel so unsure that that isnt true, it feels so plausible to me. i cant say for certain that when i do kill myself i wont just wake up.

on top of this, i also feel like my life is karma, i was an evil person in a past life so their making me relive this again with lesser circumstances as punishment. that makes sense to me. when i die i can start over, maybe ill get lucky and get born as a beautiful person but i would be more happy with just becoming a jellyfish, or piece of kelp. or a mosquito that lives 5min and dies, swatted on someones arm. life is just recycled over and over again, because none of its real in the first place. its kinda an elaborate videogame, the only goal is to survive. none of the pain ive experienced in my life is real, none of it was battling against forces of nature like i was supposed to. it was all manmade, and stupid.


time: 15:52

today is fucking gorgeous. its chilly in the wind but the sun is warm on my back. love. it warms me down to the bones and throughout. after class, ive been emailing professors and trying to fanangle my schedule for next year, and trying to plan out my next 4 years. My official plan is double majoring in Classics and Japanese with a minor in data analytics---i think its going to hit everything i want to study during my time here, and ill be able to take linguistics or other interests as electives. i'm pretty confident i'll be able to pull it off---i dont even think i'll need to take summer courses or double up, but if i do those are options. the only thing is some of the data analytic minor electives have pre requisites that i wont have room for, so im just hoping ill be able to negotiate when i get to that and take them without those.
tonight i'm getting dinner w my friend meg, i only get to see her like once a month bc shes so busy w her school + sorority stuff. shes really funny though so im really looking forward to it.

the septum piercing when really well, i heard a lot online about people saying it would hurt a lot and ache for the first week or two but honestly mine was really painless. it was a sharp pain for like the 2 seconds she put the needle through but like, now i hardly notice its there. i fucking love it though. i got it pierced at a 14g and its perfect. i think its so cute and just really enhances my vibe, im obsessed. so happy i got it done, even though it was a bit stressful the day of since the fucking bus got to the transfer station late and i missed the second bus to the piercing place. :/. that dumbass driver is always fucking late though, but whatever. i had to take an uber the rest of the way which was like $12, so not super bad, but just like, ugh. after i got it pierced i went and hung out at the mall for a bit waiting for the bus that departs from there, i got like fast food churros and icecream. i only ate 2 churros so i didnt feel too bad about that, but i felt super guilty after the icecream. like yesterday i was in tears over it and tried really hard to burn it off in the gym. today i havent been to the gym, whatever. i think itll have to be a rest day even though i wanted to go everyday this week. ive been trying to learn more about the menstral cycle and apparently youre at your physical peak during follicular and ovulation so im trying to line up my gym schedule to maximize that. ive also bought some collagen supplements so those should be coming in soon. apparently along with other effects they increase muscle growth so im praying for that. and that maybe itll help with my pain.

therapy on monday was good too. we did some dsm stuff and i got diagnosed with ptsd and derealization/personalization. i was a bit surprised---i didnt think i went throuhg anything serious enough to deserve that lable but idk. it feels cathartic though to understand why things are so difficult. and validating. she has me down for a psychiatry appmt this friday too to check out anxiety medications. im curiouss what thatll be like, and what her treatment plan for ptsd will be going forward. it would be nice to feel normal.

otherwise things have been ok, i finally feel like im getting my feet back under me school wise, i have a research paper i still need to finish since its already a day late but i think i can tackle that by the end of this week, and hopefully ill have the confidence to get in touch with the professor and ask about it/grades.

last night i hung out w rahul for a bit after studying. hes funny. hes a nice guy but like a total stereotypical cs major, lmao. i thought he was joking when he said he would spend 10hr from 5pm to 3am coding in one of the empty physics lounges but after last night i believe it T-T. like stepping foot in there---the SMELL ToT. so bad. trashcan full of fast food (i wish i had his metabolism bc hes still scrawny af). he was showing me the couch he naps on. i was looking at the books he had out and under the cs and physics textbooks was fucking HOW TO QUIT PORN. :o . i was like "are you fr." he, "yeah its a good book". girl. dont even. he didnt have a single video game on his laptop (despite it being like, a gamer pc lmao), has a long ass github streak, and had this LMAO he had this background on one of his desktops of charles bukowski w this fucking long ass paragraph about the merits of suffering LMAOOOO i was actually dying.

we talked about life and stuff, which was interesting, but he makes me a bit sad. he just has this tangible restlessness about him and i think its entirely because he just isolates himself like that. i mean, he is so young. he has this really great body and all he does with it is sit in front of his fucking computer for hours. and he thinks this self made suffering keeps him grounded and will let him appreciate happiness more, but its just so stupid. hes just wasting his youth, i think. like, god. i would give anything to have his body. to be able to walk, to be able to wake up and not be in pain, to not be kept up at night from pain, to have that freedom of mobility and trust. he could go for a hike if he wanted, or a jog on a warm day, or anything. but all he does is rot in that dark physics lab. isolated. its just saddening. in short. he should be at the club. its one thing to be busy, its another to purposely make your life miserable.

in other news, weightloss has been abysmal. everytime i way myself its a jumpscare. i know im doing high res and should still be down 10lb by may but its just so so so so so hard. at least when im doing 300kcal a day i know im doing something, but what im doing now just doesnt feel like enough. i just idk. its difficult to believe its workign when im not feeling enough consequences. :/ . say what you will, but at least when i can actually feel the life leaving my brain i know i have to be burning fat haha.


time: 19:30

i think the reason friendships make me so stressed out is because theyre such an investment of your time and care and your very self. my friends become a part of me, i let them in my heart and they can change me, and i dont have control over what that change is. i only have control up until i let them become one with me and then theres nothing i can do but hope i made the right choice. and thats scary, it puts you in a really vulnerable situation with someone who is also imperfect, and who might not make the best decisions. so theyll hurt you, even if its inadvertedly. but its difficult. in order to confidently know whether someone is safe or not you have to know them completely, and that means letting them know you. and i dont mind being known, but that process of knowing involves letting yourself be exposed to their thoughts and behaviours. it means planning your day around getting dinner with them and being hurt when they have to cancel. it means dropping your preconceived notions of the world and letting them change your perspective with their own. and that sticks with you. you become a sponge around them, and you cant control that. its just so difficult trying to make sure theyre safe for you. defining friends as just people who you like to hang out with, who make you laugh and have a good time, or be there for you, be loyal, is such a terrible simplification. its more like your a wet piece of water colour paper and your letting people come up and smear their color across you, and sometimes those colours run farther across than you think but you cant control it. and once that colour is there it doesnt go away, just gets covered up by other colours. but all combined these colours form the painting that makes up the whole of you. but every contribution is there. you let someone keep painting on you and theyll shape the painting more definingly than others. and of course this is your painting so your contributing your own unique aspects to it and have ultimate control of the direction the painting goes in, but maybe if your friend paints a seagull in one corner you might change to make that entire corner scene a beach. and if you have a lot of friends then you can either reduce your own input on the painting, or you have to limit each of their contributions. but you cant erase them, or limit them entirely. theyll still leave colour even if its only a fleck. idk. that entire concept to me is really frightening sometimes. but i also think its really beautiful. because if you let someone become a very close friend and give them the freedom to be entirely themselves with you they have the ability to change an entire portion of the painting and make it something gorgeous that you never mightve thought of. and thats why i think i fall in love with my friends like that. i really dont need a million dots of colour that i can try to connect, i just love having people paint their own entire perspective in its completeness on me and then let me connect that scene in an even fuller way to the entire piece. i want to know someons perspective intimately, i want to know people intimately. of course for its safety, i can predict what theyll do, i know theyll have the best intentions etc. but also to have that completely unique experience shared with me in its entirety that i would never know otherwise. to give themselves to me as a complete character i would never have been able to write as intricately otherwise. i think it just makes me more rounded as a person, and i love it. i love understanding people. but its just difficult to not let myself disappear in my attempts to understand them, to not lose the main focus of the painting even when incorporating all those other aspects. idk. its just so difficult idk how people make close friendships and how they can tell theyll be close friendships or not so they wont be hurt. or maybe they just have a larger capacity for hurt than i do right now. they can handle being cancelled on for dinner and not have that ruin their day. they can feel that disappointment and that pain but they have enough energy to soothe themselves afterwards and move on with themselves. idk. i cant tell if the reason i dont because i havent practiced it enough, or if tis because of my past, but other people can hurt me really easily i feel. they can make me really happy, but they can also really hurt me. im just very soft. which is also bad for relationships because you have to have a strong enough core that youll always be yourself around your friends, you wont try to form yourself around them to better suit what they need. you both just have these strong cores and come together to make yourselves even stronger. you dont come and weaken yourself to support the other person. i really try every time i interract with people, that when the options come up to either mold myself to what they want or be myself extremely even if its thorny, i really try to choose myself everytime, to choose that in the face of the possibility of making them uncomfortable, or revealing a weakness of mine, or bringing out any negative opinion they have of me, i really try. but its really hard. i feel accomplished afterwards, but in the moment it feels like im gambling my safety over saying what i want to say. its just really difficult to choose myself every single time, but im really trying to. idk. i just wonder if im doing friendship wrong. i think i just have a deeper definition of freindship, but it really makes me question my feelings a lot of the time. its difficult for me to tell sometimes if im romantically in love with someone or if i just love and want them to be my friend. because i feel like a big part of romantic relationships is having a sexual attraction to them, and having a want to have sex, or kiss at least but i dont feel any of that. actually ive been wondering if im asexual but i really cant tell if thats just because i havent had the chance to date a woman yet. ive only dated a guy in the past, and it didnt end well. so. idk. i dont feel that way towards my best friend quinn, or rahul who ive really liked hanging out with recently, but i also love them both, i mean obviously i love quinn like noone else in my life theyve been my best friend and confidant since 7th grade and i love them forever, but i also love rahul in a way too and i want to know more about him. im really interested in learning more. but to have that feeling for another person other than quinn is just difficult since it makes me question whether or not this is some kind of romantic love i feel instead. but i really dont think it is. i think its normal to want to see your friend and to get disappointed and hurt when they cancel on you (if i havent made it obvious enough that was the catalyst for this entire thing LMAO, but anyway. this has been bothering me for a few weeks so its not like its new). so i feel like thats normal. i think getting excited to see a friend is different from getting butterflies because you have a crush on someone. i dont feel butterflies, i dont feel sexually or what define as romantically attracted to him, i just kind of love him. but i think its a friendship love. idk. its just difficult to distinguish the two sometimes i think, and i think thats ok. ill figure it out more when i make more friends with people i really click with that make me love them. i think its ok. and i dont think i should feel pressured to be attracted to him to try and fit a romantic view. i think its fine to just be friends, but still feel strongly. *shrugs*

time: 20:53

ugh. unfortunately im still thinking about it. ik im spiralling but i just really wanna kms haha. i just really wanted to hang out today, so im really disappointed. ik i got to see my friend meg for an hour yesterday, but idk. i really wanted to see a friend today, specifically rahul so this really sucks. i think i feel lonelier than usual since i had that expectation to see someone ahead of time and then got let down, so i can 100% get over it. i will. theres not anything wrong with me or him, and theres no reason to resent him. im just tired and its been a long day, and im bored and dont want to work on my fucking paper or lab so all of that is just making me feel lonely. but by tomorrow morning i will feel better. i will feel better. i will feel better. theres nothing wrong with me. im fine. ill just finish my work and go to bed, very calmly. i think part of it is also he said he would text me if he got out of his meeting and could hang out, so im kinda waiting in anticipation for that which is making me anxious and spiral. so. finish my work first. if he texts me before 10pm then i can hang out. if not, then it doesnt even concern me. so i cast it from my mind. my sole goal is finishing my work. its just i really feel like cutting myself right now. i really want to really badly and its really distracting. im not sure what to do, im trying to do my work but i just keep thinking about it, thinking about previous times i did. i really want to .... i dont know what to do. i think i get it though. he became my purpose for living for a bit because he gave me that taste of what its like to have a friend thats physically near you and wants to hang out with you. randomly seeing me at the library, hanging out in his coding dungeon, all that shit fostered those feelings in me and like in the moment i knew it was wrong. i knew when i suddenly got those bursts of productivity and hope for the future after hanging out with him, i knew everytime i was like "what is my motive for feeling this way" and everytime i knew the real answer was "because we hung out" but i tried to cover it up with "i just feel happy today, its the weather"i just fucking cant. why am i like this. i cant stop thinking about killing myself and everything just feels like its falling apart. im trying to let it wash over me but i cant. im in the library right now and i feel like im going fucking insane. im going fucking insane. i just dont know what to do.i tried just squeezing my keys and closing my eyes and waiting for the feeling to pass but its just getting worse.. i dont know. typing is something to do so im typing. im ashamed to admit that if i was in my dorm right now i would certainly be cutting. but im not. im typing. and the feeling will pass. and im blasting music in my headphones and im just here. im just listening and typing. fuck. i just dont understnad why i let people make me feel this way. why do they have the power to make me want to live, and then can just take that away as quickly as they gave it. i genuinely thought i was getting better since last weekend, since 3/29 when i woke up and felt better that day, but i was also hanging out with people increasingly that weekend and this week, and i think that was it. i dont think ive made any of my own progress in my depression, i think its all just fucking because of other people. this feels terrible. im so incredibly weak. i should of just fucking offed myself that day because this just isnt going to get better is it. i dont know what to do. i really thought i was thinking through things in a better way but its all just because i got doses of connections with others and thats it. and without that im just. nothing. i felt like i was a normal person when i was with him, not just a fucking cripple.

time: 21:45

finished my lab. feeling a bit better now. wait by earshot and somewhere i belong by linkin park are kinda my themes rn lol. he still hasnt messaged me back, i dont care.


time: 13:15
music: smile - lily allen

i feel like im gonna pass out. i just feel really light headed and weird. idk. i wonder if its the zoloft? this is the second day of taking it. ive also been like being total gym bro the past few weeks tho? ive been going to the gym everyday and have like, protien supplements and stuff.

my current routine is like:

wake up
black coffee
collagen peptides + water

2 scoops orgain protein + water
gym time (15:00)
post gym protein bar(16:30)

evening (18:00):
dinner (greek yogurt, cinnamon, banana, whatever chicken dish + vegetables the dh has


idk i thought this was ok, i mean yes i have been having stomach issues but ofc thats like par for the course at this point. i was hoping that by eating vegetables at dinner + adding banana to my yogurt that would help my digestion but idk. at like 11:30 after class i got brunch with my friend from class, and i got a sweet potato, 2 bananas, an orange, and an apple (so like, wait too many fucking calories but like, whatever the fuck. honestly shitting has sucked recently so its like, fuck i need fibre... ugh idk). so like i feel guilty and stupid about eating that many calories, but like, ok, i just ate all that carb and sugar i should have a lot of energy right now, but i dont. i feel like, like when your sedated for surgery and just barely hanging on to staying awake? like that feeling of not being tired, but of having your brain spinning. i dont get it. im in bed right now, but ill go to the gym in another hour and a half apprx. but i thought i would be doing work rn. or meet the asian studies prof ab declaring my major. but i cant get out of bed rn. i dont get it. i haevnt been calorie counting but i know i must be eating too much. i know im high resing but it just i hate eating this much food in a day. ik its way better than before, i mean i havent eaten any processed sugar or "desserts" since well only 5 days ago, which is like not anything, but before i would have to have at least 1 sugary thing a day when i was low resing, even though that would be the highest calorie thing i ate that day, but now since im just proteining it, i honestly dont have any craving or desire to eat any of that at all. i actually just dont even want to eat at all but i do. idk. but yeah my brain feels like its drowning rn i cant even think. stupid. im glad i did a bunch of work yesterday bc i dont have the brain power rn. haha. i just hope this fades quickly enough that i can gym it. ive definitely started looking better, still fat, but i think my gym efforts are starting to make some noticeable differences. i just wish my digestive system wasnt acting fucked up. like. ugh. also my knee is in pain today, like a different pain from my usual swelling pain, this one feels deeper inside if that makes sense, i think i pushed it too hard when i was at the gym yesterday. but idk. id take this any day over low resing w binges before bc it just tore me up inside thinking about all the bad food i shouldnt have eaten. but now like, im eating well so i feel good about that. its one thing i feel accomplished about at the end of each day so i would never trade it.

in other news im planning on backing up the diary entries i had on spacehey here in case it goes down. ill make a seperate age for them but yeah.


time: 21:37
music: dragostea din tei - o zone (lmao)

back for another update. im stressed out of my balls. 2 essays to write (including 1 over due by 2 days now), a fucking mountain of japanese work sheets and audio homeworks, tons of class prep for sustainability i didnt get in in time, a project, and finals are coming up next fucking week just fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck me right up the ass fuck. and i feel fat. i feel so fuckign FATTTTTTT. me and my some girls from my japanese class went to ihop to get the sonic themed shit, i got the shadow pancakes and they were fucking 770kcal... gasp. killing myself. but im all registered for classes next fall. and ive been binging on nutella today, just fuck me in the ass!!! why cant i be skinny already holy fuck this shit makes me so stressed. i swear to god my stomach looks fatter and i dont even know how thats fucking possible!!! ive been eating like 1000kcal a day for the past month but now im scared that ive miscalculated? but wouldnt my tdee raise from the new muscles and also doing working out 5-6days/week?? like. im just losing my fucking mind. i cant stop grabbing and looking at my stomach and thighs and arms all the fucking time. i just feel so fucking fat i cant even live anymore i don tknow what to do. i cant wait for results anymore and high resing is making me lose my mind. at least when your low resing you know its fucking working bc your so fucking hungry and you feel like youre gonna pass out. but high resing, its like im basically normal but slightly more hungry, which just makes me feel guilty because i know i shouldnt feel hungry, this isnt actual hunger compared to fasting or low resing so i have no right to feel hungry its fucking stupid. and it doesnt matter if im hungry bc that means im losing fat which is good! i just cant. anymore. i want to die. zoloft hasnt been doing anything but making me tired asf. i dont know what to do. i just am hoping to get over this hump. im just hoping i can get over this fat depressed lazy bad grades and get to finally live my skinny happy dream. fuck. i think i got mono or some shit from hitting my roomates rancid ass cart. my throats still sore.


time: 11:09
music: lovers who uncover - the little ones vs crystal castles

good morning. today's study day. yesterday was the last day of class. they had some stuff at the fountains in front of the library, like a snow cone machine, live music, other food trucks, and there were beach floaties everywhere and people were hanging out in swimsuits. i just wish for that to be me one day. i want to be able to walk around in a swimsuit---or even just shorts and a t-shirt for that matter---without feeling self-conscious about my fat. seeing everyone walking around and laughing and just having fun with eachother just reminded me what i'm working towards and why. i do this for my happiness, i do this out of love. i want the best for myself, and i want to take care of myself, and part of that is steeling myself during difficulty, and motivating myself. showing myself compassion, but also putting my foot down and make myself do it. because i have a goal i need to achieve, and its worth more than any other thing in my life.

i ordered 2 bikini's off pacsun and theyll get to my mom's house the week i'm there. i got a purple and black bikini set---in medium and large for both. i want to fit the mediums. i think i'm still a large though. my period is supposed to start around now, so i'm kinda just waiting for it, which is making me anxious. like a few days ago i had bad back pain that kept me from sleeping, so i expected to have my period the next day but i didnt, or the day after, or the day after. ugh. i just want to hurry up and get it already so i can get into the ovulation phase again and go harder at the gym. during menstruation youre at your physical weakest pretty much, my muscles fatigue a lot quicker recently. its just frustrating. i just wanna go to the gym and fucking kill myself on the machines but i cant right now, or i could injure myself. annoying. i mean i tried yesterday but i just didnt have the strength to do my usual weights and had to go lighter. i did well on the bike though.

last week i went to the mall and bought new bras---i'm a cup size smaller!! :) i also tried some different stores and got like 2 tops, theres just nothing good at the mall. i want specifically ambercrombie and fitch long sleeves---something about the cut is so flattering and theyre actually a nice quality unlike the current plastic bs we have now. i got a one off ebay a bit ago and it has a tangible higher quality than my current longsleeves lol. i'm hoping to get to old navy sometime soon to get new jeans---my current ones are very lose, i think i'm atleast a size smaller so i'm a bit excited for that. nothing is more motivating than new clothes.
i'm just so ready to be a real girl. since i was young ive always felt like an other from other girls, not deserving to relate to them on things like clothes or boyfriends or "girl" problems. if you know what i mean. like the girls in movies and stuff, the types of girl friendships they had, i never felt like i was deserving of that because i was too fat to be a girl. so this weight loss has been really amazing for me, i finally feel like i can have girl problems now, i can actually complain about them and hope about them and want to do girly things. as i lose weight i feel more feminine and more like a person.


time: 20:21
music: wonderland - natalia kills nightcore

i feel like i'm losing my fucking mind. idk. just fuck everything. just fuck everything. fuck. everything. fuck it everything. i dont know what to fucking think anymore. i'm just an ugly piece of shit. i want a fucking sharpe evans, kesha, paris hilton summer but i'm feeling fucking fat ugly :/


time: 15:51

wow. being medicated is revolutionary LOL. i was rereading my entries from like, february/march and goddamn, zoloft has been amazing. like yes i lapsed and cut myself last week, and yes i felt crazy and volatile, but holy shit nowhere near as bad as i did in feb/mar. like, my baseline mood has been sooo much better these days, and even when i'm having a bit of an episode and freaking tf out it is much less than how they were in the past. so case in point, get on meds. theyre great.

today is saturday. my may class (korean) ended yesterday (woohoo!) so now these next few days i'll just be getting stuff ready to go back home. packing. i still need to find a storage unit. and finishing a paper for the class i got an incomplete for. i'm doing pretty well all things considered. my knee is bitchin like usual, the cortisone had neglible benefits that lasted like, a week after I got it and now i'm back to feeling like ass. oh arthritis, love it, hate it, can't get rid of it.

last night me and rahul watched this movie called "The Wailing". i thought it looked good and creepy from reviews and shit, but it was really just very long, confusing, and there was a lot of yelling and screaming. maybe itll be better on rewatch bc i was just so lost. as usual there was this like, palpable sexual tension, but his breath kinda smelled so i didnt wanna kiss him LMAO. oop. anyway. i totally totally feel better considering my interpersonal relationships. especially since earlier i was using projection of my fantasies so heavily in order to prevent the disappointment i felt from my inability to connect with others, now, now that i'm really really trying to be grounded everyday, now that i'm medicated, now that i meditate, i feel i can see others more objectively than before, or at least i dont ascribe my entire life's value to how i interract with them. like, before i had a really crippling anxiety of being alone forever so i was really stressed over rahul and how he treated me and what i felt---but its really not that serious. i dont need to change anything about myself in order to fit him, it doesnt fuckign matter. come january when he's back from his study away, we will be or we wont be, and the nature of whatever that relationship is is completely arbitrary. its out of my hands. if its meant to be it will be, if not theres others. it doesnt matter. i will change as a person, he will change as a person, our paths may never cross again, who fuckign knows. but at the end of the day, doesnt fucking matter. enjoy the time you have now, and let the future be the future.

i just want to unwind. i want to focus on becoming destimulated, balanced, and tranquil. these are the traits i want to hone in on most these next few days and throughout the rest of summer. i want to enjoy my life a bit. i want to have time to process everything i've gone through and learned this year. i wanna be appreciative of all the hardwork i've done over the year, and let myself have a long period of rest and relaxation. i want to nurture myself with things i find interesting and fun, i want to do more physical activity, i wanna spend more time outside and without any stimulus. just a deeply fulfilling period of peace. my mom said she thought i was bored over the brief week i was back before may started. i really wasnt. i didnt really do much of anything, but the small things i did do felt incredibly amazing and tender. just being able to lay down in the sun and know i was somewhere safe, and without anything stressful to do felt amazing. i dont think boredom exists in non-stressful times, at least to me. bc basically i just spent the whole week in a meditative state and it felt freeing. i didnt see any friends or do any activities really, but doing my hobbies, cooking, cleaning, doing yoga and focusing on turning myself into a conduit of energy was the most tranquil and serendipitous i've felt in for fucking ever. so. if that's what being bored is, please, please for the love of all that is beautiful, let me have a boring summer. i dont want to do anything. i just want to be at peace. i want to turn my mom's back yard into a sanctuary, and my bedroom into a chamber of incorporeal delights. i want to ascend to nirvana. i want to remove myself so completely from the planes of physical existence that i become a fucking molecule of nitrogen and float into the stratosphere. i want to become so ethereal and so connected with the universe that my molecules blend together with everything i touch and i become everything and i leave myself in everything. i want to become a stream of water, so clear, so untainted, eternally flowing over cold stones and clearing debris and being utterly inobstructable. yet also flowing into everything, absorbing everything, traveling, stretching, at complete balance in taking in and giving out. i want to be as empty as air.


time: 23:40
music: promiscuous girl

i had a bit of an episode yesterday. woke up feeling off, feeling volatile. it just got worse as the day continued. at the gym, i went as hard as i could, just tried to take as much of the bad feeling out on the machines as i could, just kill off as much of myself as i possibly could. then when i got back home i blasted music and took my shower, got it til i felt like i was boiling then quickly shot it to its coldest for 30min, screaming lyrics, not giving a fuck if the neighbors heard. i did everything. but it still wasnt enough stimulation, i still felt like cutting. i curled up on my bed, i couldnt not cut myself anymore. it felt like that or death. i cut my hand and my wrist a bit, but i stopped myself from going deep, because i'm home and my moms here and i want to swim at some point this summer---i mean, i still have the one on my shoulder still healing. i took a lighter and heated the blade then burned the back of my hand. i just dont know. my body cant make it through this without being branded, i dont think. after that i lay in bed zoned out, watching my ceiling gradually become engulfed in shadow as the sun set, same track on loop over and over and over. my stomach felt light, i hadnt eaten, and i was completely overcome with this sense of nostalgia. which is weird, bc i didnt think you could have nostalgia for only a year ago, but it just completely reminded me of evenings after high school when i would skip dinner and lay in bed and cut and read blowfly girl and zone out. idk. i just fantasize so heavily of being a true wintergirl. i want to be completely cold and numb. i'm tired of being like a land mine. i want to feel my heart beating at night and barely touch the floor when i walk. i want to grow smaller and smaller and smaller until i just slip out of reality entirely. i want to blow away in the wind. i want to become a living ghost. why a ghost why not end it, idk i just feel like something good will happen at some point down the line. but for now, i just want to be lithe and willowy. i want to feel my mortality. i want to subsist on nothing but water and air, and let life blow through me like someone trying to inflate a balloon with a hole in it. i just want to dissolve. and disappear. and fade away into nothing. until there arent even bones left to bury. i dont deserve any better.

and its true i'm a narcissist---part of me wants to see people's faces when i get to my gw. i want to shock people. i want them to know i'm dying in some way. but i dont want them to help. i just want them to witness. which is selfish. but idk. its all i want. i want to watch my own funeral, in a way, which means i have to have it while im still alive. maybe i wanna see if anyone would actually do anything, if people actually care. but mainly i just want permission to be normal. i want permission to be a real girl. i've just been too fat and ugly to have any emotions be valid. i want to be thin enough that i can relate to girls, and i can be a real girl. if that makes sense. i'm not a girl, i'm too fat, i was always too fat, i dont have a right to relate to them or to have problems or to deserve sympathy from anyone. i want to be worth something, i want to be worth listening to, to be worth loving. i want to be forgiven for my faults and praised for my virtues. i want to be a daughter my mom can be proud of. i want to be able to take pictures of myself and post them on my instagram and have my mom hang them on the wall. i want to not want to kill myself whenever i see my reflection. i want doctors to take me seriously. i want to look capable. i want to be fuckable. i want to be able to be flirtatious and only have to be concerned with my personality and style, not with my fat body. i want the idea of calling me a beached whale to be so far from anyones minds as to be absolutely laughable. i want to be tall but not big. i want to be the thinnest in the room at all times. i want to go into a store and never have to worry if they have my size---which i would anyway since most dont have talls in store but i digress. i want to be able to go to the beach and wear a bikini. i want to live freely. bc now whenever i feel bad, well, im too fat to feel that way, you know? i just want that weight off my chest---literally. i want the freedom to live how i am.


time: 23:40
music: cherry bomb

starting a week of eating maintenance today. so about 18-20k kcal a day... for a whole week... :/ idk if i'm gonna be able to make it through this. this isnt just a week binge or something. this is intentionally choosing to eat this much. ill still follow my food rules, but ill be eating more. idk it was rough today. my body didnt like it. i felt so extremely fatigued all day and had to shit like multiple times ToT lol but fr. i hate feeling this full. idk if i can keep this up for a week.

i'm not doing too hot. i'm thinking about ending it a lot. i just want the pain over. just let me escape. just let me go please. i dont have any plan or anything. whatever i come up with would have to be absolutely fool proof. i cant risk surviving with another disability. that would just be too much. i was thinking along my diagnoseses, that maybe instead of depression or PMDD i have bpd II? i def feel like these depressive episodes are somekind of cyclic, and sure life events can trigger it sometimes, but i feel maybe its also something cyclical, just maybe not a temporal one.