The web site of bebetcy

diary 13

11.17.23
tw ed
obligatory life update.

so, college is... going. officially declared classics major last week and in the process of declaring Japanese.

i guess i'm doing okay. thats a lie. i feel pretty bad. it was much worse September, but i've been oscillating this whole time. i get episodes where i'm lying in bed for hours blasting my ears out and cutting myself, but then i'll have days where i feel the happiest i have in a long time. idk. or maybe those days just feel happier in contrast to the depressive ones.

i've made some friends which is nice, and i generally like my classes. yeah. i've made friends with devin and its been a little life changing ngl. we've become kissing buddies recently, idk if we're really dating. i can't sort my feelings. i felt like i was on the verge of something, but then i fell into another episode which i'm in rn, and my thoughts arent anything about devin. they're all about me. and they're all about food.

i feel so incredibly selfish. he'll ask me how i'm doing, and since i feel so comfortable with him, i genuinely unload everything. i talk about everythinnggggggg. like today we were talking, and he was like "oh i like your shirt" i was like "thanks" and then, and i hate this because if i was with anyone else i would have just kept it to myself, but instead i said "it makes me look fat though" like. okay, ms attention seeking. idk. i just hate how easily i talk about that, my eating, my struggle losing weight, how fat and ugly i am, with him, when, that stuff is so negative. and i hate hate that i bring that negativity to him. i dont want him to be burdened with that. but he relates on a lot of that. and he's opened up to me a bunch about his own weight struggles. but also his successes. and it idk it makes me mad. mad at myself for being so fucking pathetic and for being so unsuccessful. i havent weighed myself in a bit, but i'm what, 183? and i started at 215? so in over 12 months i've only lost fucking 32lbs? out of 75? wah. i wanna cry. i still have so much. and i've made like zero progress. even with all the IF and fasting and shit its not enough. i need to go back to CICO but i just cant, it was so emotionally and mentally draining and it sucked. i tried to do a 5k kcal for a week challenge, and the actual eating under 5k in a week wasnt bad, but just logging every single calorie suckkkkeddddddd. i just dont have the endurance for that.

but i hate how i'm eating rn. sure, i'm IF ab 19:5 but like, i still think i'm eating too much. i need to eat like, a bowl of spinache for every meal and then i'll know i'm losing, bc rn i just feel fat and bloated and ugly and stupid. and also i went and logged all my purchases since i've gotten to college and its over $900---yes some of that was for school but the majority was shopping in the city and food and other useless bullshit, god i'm so stupid and fat and spoiled. i just want to shrivel up and die. i wish i was dead. i need to do more fasting this month, even more than last month. i should be doing 48hr fasts regularly, not just one every other week or so. idk. i just need to lose more faster. and i'm gonna start going to the gym so i want to do that like everyday. idk. everything just feels extremely unattainable rn and i just feel like all my efforts are useless. i feel really dumb and stupid. idk.

diary, like 10?

07.31.23

today i had to go to my father's. we leave for canada tmrw and we're there till the 8-9th, and then we're back at jefes house till like, the 12 or 13---whenever he'll let me go -_-;

i feel bad that all of my entries here are all like, melodramatic, and stupid, but honestly this is the one place i can be sorry for myself, express all my emotions, feel what i need to feel as intensely as i need to so that i don't need to express it to anyone in real life, without being judged. i actually cant even write in my own physical diary anymore---apparently the last time i was here he went through my things. and now he's using passages from it in court against my mom. :/ i cant even unpack what i feel about that rn.

i wish i wasn't like this. i wish i didn't need to be this dramatic about things. i wish i could just get over it, but i feel like i cant. i feel like i need to express myself so explicitly and dramatically bc i feel like none of this actually matters. and when i'm writing these diaries, part of it is trying to convince myself that my concerns are actually valid. and that my emotions are defensible. otherwise i cant think of them as real. i guess. and i'll just feel bad without knowing why. so in case someone is actually reading this, here's my mock defense: my diaries are so exaggerated and dramatic looking because normally someone feels sad they feel sad, for me its like, i need to back up every reason, every moment that led to why i feel that way and convey it.

but i wish i wasn't so dramatic.

i feel like i'm fighting myself constantly. i know i'm spoiled. i know i'm so fucking spoiled and i don't deserve to complain about these things. ugh. i'm so fucking spoiled. i'm going to the college i really wanted. i don't care about the prices of items. i won't suck it up to get a job.

but i know i'm not that lazy. i mean, i work hard. i have worked hard. why am i lazy? why do i feel lazy? why is it that i always have to defend myself for why certain tasks werent completed, be they anything from school to just doing my laundry, and my answer being "i didnt have the time!" and i genuinely feel that! i genuinely didnt have the physical energy or the mental energy to do that thing among the other things that i had to do. and i look back on those times like, geez, i remember being so busy, so what was i actually doing? and the answer is always so underwhelming. usually its barely anything, on a given day. idk. its like, "how come i couldnt do that thing on that day? i technically had the hours.." but like i dont? and even if i did there was other stuff the previous days i was recovering from doing... and the mental energy? is that a component? is that something you can factor for? 4hr of work + 2hr cool down = 6hrs and then the next task, so that would take up the time right? but i just. i dont understand. so am i justified?? WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!!!!!!! I feel like i'm going insane!!!!! i can't tell if i'm actually lazy or if its just fucking geoffe???? i dont know whats happening T_T i dont understand why i cant do things. i dont understand why i feel like i'm fucking just I DONT KNOW. i dont know how to explain. because i genuinely dont have the time. but then i remember playing video games for at least an hour, so its like i couldnt spend that time on that assignment? but i couldnt because my brain needed a break? is that justified? is it? what about doing nothing for days?

and recently. i only just submitted an application for work study, am i lazy? i'm scared of it. i dont really want a job on top of my classes and adjusting. like. i know people handle that stuff all the time. its expected. its like, you have those hours in the day you can spend time getting some money too. but its like can i? i feel like i cant do anything. but i dont know if thats actually my fault or if this is just the weight of where i'm living. if i had more freedom, if i had that weight taken off, had the emotional energy, mental energy, that i'm spending on dreading about geoffe and hating him, would i be able to handle more than i am? am i okay? is it my situation or is it me? will it change when i'm in college? why am i so weak T_T

like. i'm always bringing up my leg. online. and its like. no one fucking listens in real life. i guess. so i always complain here instead. idk. like it doesnt rule my life, but it also does impact me a lot. and that pain is always there. and i dont know. i forget about it, because i'm so used to enduring it. but is that also why i'm so exhausted?

idk. i feel like, weird.

my back is giving me issues lately T_T my upper back and neck always feel so fucking tight i could cry. i cant sleep with a pillow anymore. i have to sleep flat on my mattress, but even that isnt comfortable, its too soft. i cant get comfortable. i used to love sleeping. but for the past bit its been so hard. idk.

i feel like these diaries also help me put things in perspective even if they're melodramatic. bc it might look like i'm being sorry for myself, and like i am, but i feel like that brings more genuine compassion for myself? like i read this i cant help feeling depressed for my situation but that also makes it easier to bear, since i can recognize that its hard and prepare. and it also is like. i'm not as bad a person as i think i am? i always hate myself all the time for being spoiled and lazy, but i can have more compassion for myself by reading these, and seeing my thoughts after they've been thought rather than only experiencing them in the emotion they were born (self hate).

but not for certain things. certain things i will always feel as me being spoiled and lazy. especially for college. like. i shouldnt be going there. i should be going to a cost effective local college and doing pharmacy or something and then getting a job. idk. i feel so guilty about going to a college like the one i am. its small, its rich, its got a really nice campus in a good location, it has every class i could ever want to study, it has study abroad options, it has so much. but i would never be able to go there if it wasnt for geoffe paying for it. fuck i'm so spoiled. and then i come and complain about geoffe. even though he's the only reason i am able to do this.

like i'll be straight up. the cost for the college im enrolled at is 34k/yr w my scholarship. our local university is 31k/yr, it didnt give me a scholarship. the cheapest school i have was 27k/yr w scholarship, good school but didnt have the classes i wanted like the one im at. and like. i didnt even apply to more cost effective schools, like for pharmacy or physical therapy or something, which is what i should be doing to be cost effective. like. damn it. like

1. i'm spoiled for arguing that i wanted to go to the college i'm currently at instead of just picking the cheapest option

2. i'm spoiled because like. i had the ability to do that at all?

most people its no question of where they have to go bc they dont have a fucking geoffe that can just shell out the money. i just fucking hate myself! like. what is going on... idk. i dont even know why i feel so bad about it but i really do. i feel really fucking bad about this. i feel really guilty. i know a lot of smart people way smarter than fucking me, going to that local college thats like, fine its a fine school, but it doesnt have the opportunities like the one i'm at. and they would deserve to study wherever they wanted whatever they wanted. not me. like i dont know how to feel about this! and geoffe calls me ungrateful and i know i am! i know i'm fucking ungrateful. i dont get it. i dont even know what i'm supposed to do to mend this. do i just get over it? do i just focus on the school work and earn it? do i just accept it and enjoy what i have (impossible)? why am i so miserable about this. why am i always sad and confused about this.

tj max fell through

7.18.23

its so fucking pointless. i dont understand why jefe is so obsessed with me getting a job right now. its impossible. no one is going to hire me in the middle of summer when i leave for college in 4 weeks. ugh. i feel so frustrated and embarrassed, especially since i just wasted the interviewers time. ugh. especially since i have a medical condition. i've just been dreading getting employed so part of me is glad it hasnt worked out with anywhere yet. but the other part knows its gonna be a big thing with jefe for some reason. but i know its fake. he doesnt actually care if i have a job or not, he just gets fixated on these ideas and forces people into enacting them. its stupid. its so pointless. and heather isnt helping this at all because i'm pretty sure she's the one who gave him the fucking idea. and everytime she talks to me she's condescending and a total asshole. she says i "need to get a job to develop proper work ethic", totally ignoring the fact that i ALREADY HAD A FUCKING JOB. (this isn't some new experience i need to grow or some shit. i already had a fucking job! I already know what that entails! this isnt some life changing experience i need, i already did that!) ALSO. Stop fucking talking to me like i'm some lazy do nothing! I've worked hard at school all throughout fucking highschool, i've taken 6 APs, gotten 4's and 5's (yes plural) worked my ass off, so shut the fuck up. AP Sem almost fucking killed me, and that's not an exaggeration. i've sacrificed so much of myself for school, for my fucking grades, i'm sick and fucking tired of being treated like i'm lazy for taking a break for 4 weeks out of 52. i'm so fucking sick of it.

not to mention my physical disability, and the fact that, hello, the last time i had a job i overworked myself and ended up in a brace, missed several weeks of school. so fuck off. i've been working through all of that and i'm fucking sick of it. i'm sick of working my ass off for no reason. i'm sick of having to hurt myself just to be viewed as a normal person, not lazy, or without work ethic. i'm sick of being treated like this. i just need break. please. get off my dick.

ver 2 bc i ranted ab this twice but the 2nd wouldnt upload.

ugh its so stupid. my father's been on my dick about getting a job this summer (no reason other than to order me to do something... i've already had a job previously and have a medical condition that makes it very painful to stand (which hello, is required at most jobs)) so i've applied to a shit ton of places, i've been interviewed, tell them i'm going to college soon, "yeah we actually need people who will be here", etc. nothings worked out. i don't care. i don't need a job, i already had one previously and have money saved, plus if anything this would trigger my condition which i am very scared of. but even so he and his terrible gf have no compassion for me, "you better have a backup if this falls through", they mean babysitting. which is stupid, i've never babysat in my life and i have a medical condition (AGAIN HELLO) that would not enable me to run around after them kids, so unless these kids are comatose i dont think its working. but who cares. if i dont have a little title to state "employed" they dont wanna hear it. it's really extremely frustrating. people always talk about narcissism like its just being selfish or self-centered, but its also this, these fucking delusions they get fixated on, which now is apparently "my daughter has a summer job", and will stop at nothing to get that carried out, even if its completely improbable, unnecessary, and undesired on my part.

as for me if i dont please him its a whole fucking issue. he's contributing to my college so if i piss him off i threaten that. which is not as easy as it sounds, since he gets pissed at fucking everything. literally its not even a negative action that would affect him, its the lack of positive action. like if i only get him a card for father's day instead of a whole ass present, he's pissed. like fuck off and die. i seriously wish he would die fml.

diary 5/27/23

I feel so fucking angry and frustrated. I just dont understand. why do I have to be here? i woke up this morning and lay in bed on my phone. then i got dressed. then i went downstairs and had an apple for breakfast. i talked to violet. then jefe and heather got back from the store and said "hello" to me and violet and then went back to arguing with eachother over how they organized the food in the cabinets. then i went back into my room and did shit on my laptop for 5 hours, instead of doing stuff at home, like doing laundry, or cleaning, like i wanted. instead i'm fucking here. at jefes. why am i here? i dont understand his obsession with forcing us to come here. i dont understand the court supporting that and his custody. when i'm here i dont fucking talk to him. i just dont understand. why cant it just be dinner on wednesday? why do they force us to spend weekends here too? in his disgusting dusty house and these terrible old rooms filled with old shit and completely dusty. I dont have allergies, yet last night i had trouble sleeping from a cough and my nose keeps dripping. i can legitimately feel the thick dust getting stuck to the back of my throat.

and it pisses me off hes so fucking obsessed. when my older sister came down to visit my siblings and my mom, he started a fight with her about how she doesnt stay at his house. why the fuck would she? you should be thankful she saw your sorry ass at all. he's so fucking controlling and possessive, i dont understand why the court backs that. how many times do we have to say hey, he literally beat us as kids, has narcissism, and is a terrible person before they fucking listen to us? not to mention the court's belief that any minor with so much as a smidgen of opinion has been poisoned by the other parent. fuck off. why am i here. why is my life allowed to be just fucking manipulated like this? i have no free will here and no one gives a fuck. but if i try to defend myself then i'm the one who gets punished, the one whos yelled at, the one who gets told off by everyone else, despite it being my fucking life. and then the lawyer assigned to us telling me i need to have a relationship with my father. i just wanted to spit in her fucking face. youre so fucking stupid how could you possibly say that to me? i dont need to do shit. you on the other hand need to tell the court we fucking hate him and he needs less custody. this is ridiculous. if i had my own way, i would have never spoken to him again. he would have ordered me to go to his house and i would say no. thats what i want. i want to be able to be like, "hey i'm in a lot of pain and cant come for the weekened" and not have him fucking argue with me and then petition the court. i want to be able to have a life outside of this fucking divorce that's NOT EVEN MY FUCKING DIVORCE. yet its practically dictated my whole life. i want him to stop dictating my life. i want him out of my life. i want to never see him again. i want to never come here again.

its so so difficult to be happy like this. its so so difficult to reflect and find connection and explore yourself and your identity, and start to build up a little confidence like "hey, my life is important. my life is limited but its still valuable," and then to be treated like this. it makes me so fucking angry. my time IS valuable. i should be doing what i WANT to do and what i NEED to do. when i'm here i'm completely stripped of any importance as a person, completely stripped of anything that gives me value, stripped of any free will and autonomy. i'm so upset.

i just want him to fucking die. i wish he would get a heartattack and die. i wish he would get a heart attack and die. i want him to die.

diary 10.5

04.18.23

ugh now i'm even more fucking pissed bc my stupid fucking piece of shit mouse has these stupid fucking buttons on the side that are super sensitive and always fucking reload the page when i fucking move it and it just refreshed this one and deleted my entry fuck. whatever. my scratches look infected, not badly, but its starting to get scaley and the skin around it is pink and blotchy. i finally found the disinfectant so i doused it in that and now its airing out. i think the long sleeves trap the moisture and the sick against the skin so ugh. my other cuts arent infected but thats probably cuz they have less surface area. ugh im so fucking uncomfortable. all day in school i have to sit in those fucking chairs that just hurt my back and give me such bad posture. but even when im home i cant sit comfortably, not in any chair, not even in bed, i can never position the pillows right to take off the pressure. right now im lying on my stomach but typing like this is putting so much tension in my neck and shoulders. it sucks. i cant even sleep at night bc i can never find a position comfortable. i always have to do like 50 positions and nothing fucking works, not even on my back with the pillow lengthwise, it always deflates where i need the support and lifts up parts that are uncomfortable. and then if i sleep on my side it puts pressure on my hip, so i have to do like a sideways twist with my legs on my thighs but my back on its side like what. i can never get comfortable for the life of me. i could not sleep at all last night, fuck, and i know i spent a lot of yesterday just relaxing in bed after school but i also ate 329kcal so i didnt have any extra energy to keep me up so what the fuck. i was so fucking tired i couldnt keep my eyes open but i couldnt fucking sleep for hourse because i was just so fucking uncomfortable, and i couldnt stop thinking about uncomfortable things. ugh. i just want some fucking release. and i dont even have any issues with my back so what the fuck. my leg also really hurts recently, and i know its because of the fucking weather somersaulting between storms. its fucking snowing. im so fucking angry. theres just no fucking need for it to do this and its fucking me up so badly. my leg hurts so bad. and i even remembered to take my neproxin this morning, but its still so sore and swollen. i just fucking hate living here. all the trees and flowers bloomed early this year bc it was legitimately 80 degrees 2 days ago, and warm the few days before it, so their dead now lmao. and today wasnt even projected to snow so those days it is? yeah its gonna come down. i fucking hate this. i cant live here anymore. maybe its affecting my back too. these things arent supposed to be such a big deal. but for me they hurt me so badly. i just dont think i was meant to live, like this seriously fucking sucks. it sucks so much. and i cant wait to live somewhere warmer only to realize i'll still get these flair ups. man fuck. i just want one fucking time when i can just not be in pain. because yeah. month 6 of this flair up. its not fucking going away. i just want the weather to be nice. please. consistent nice weather for a month so that my leg can adjust and not be in pain that would be nice. its just so fucking frustrating. can it just be fucking nice? does it do this to fuck with me? yeah fuck you. you want a life? you want to have a period where you can consistently have the time and energy to deal with school? you want to not have the constant distractions from your back and knee? you want to not have to miss school? you want a fucking life? you want to be able to leave your house? walk? drive? do literlaly fucking anything? FUCK YOU. yeah fuck me.

at least i have more clarity when it comes to jhojanna. she was sitting in on our sem class for no fucking reason, and like, the one of us presenting had a ven diagram on a slide and, we were all doing criticisms like thats just what were supposed to do so she wasnt randomly blurting out shit, and at first she actually did have valid criticisms but i think because everyone agreed with her previous ones she just got really confident in a bad way and started talking shit, she was like "I HATE this ven diagram so much!" and then was just super nit-picky about it with criticisms that just, didnt make since, or werent important or didnt actually affect the clarity of the presentation. and pat was getting insecure about his slides bc he also uses a venn diagram, and so he showed them to jhojanna and she was just like "what even IS this?" and questioned everything about his slides even the parts that were genuinely really good, and was just super condescending and insensitive for no reason. especially since her criticisms were unfounded? there was nothing wrong with his fucking ven diagram! but she was going so hard on his slides and not just in a personal manner either no she was fucking projecting everything to the entire class for no reason! and pat looked really upset about it! like hello! this isnt funny shut the fuck up! and the teacher made a comment about jhojanna acting like a mini her, and that like, emboldened jhojanna to be even more of an ass? ugh! but whatever, i feel bad for pat, but at least i feel a more certain about jhojanna. bc i just had a feeling it was my fault when she did stuff like that to me (shaming me publicly, putting me down bc she wanted to impress someone else) and i used to not think it was a big deal, or i was just overreacting, but seeing her insult someone else's hard work like what she did to pat was cathartic, like, yep, that is a big deal, and i should feel upset. so yeah. it also just told me she has not fucking changed. she is still as obtuse and up her ass and so desperate to look smart that she needs to insult someone else's intelligent work as she was since i met her. yeah, fuck jhojanna lmao.

diary 10

04/17/23

cut myself a bit -- oh so edgy lmao. also had 2 big gulps of whiskey and then sat on the toilet for a while and like looked at my phone for a while, lol. i feel really floaty so im just lying in bed doing some internet stuffffss. im listening to boyfirend by big time rush. honestly, i fucking love big time rush. theyre music is actually phenomenal and its so emmaculate. they are so fucking good its amazing. also im trying to buy this print of a art piece and the artist is super nice and letting me send it through letter mail instead of the other one which is the difference between $5 and $15 CAD and i love canadians so much. bc i live close to the border so we have timmys n i grew up wathcing canadian tv but i also get EPIC discounts on literally everything bc of the USD CAD conversion rate oml . CANADIANS I LOVE YOU. anyway, its a really cool piece about spring. And i love spring but i also fucking hate it. bc its a transition period between winter and summer like hashtag relatable but it sucks bc it was legitiamelye 80 degrees yesterday but today not fucking kidding its 49, and by wednesday its projected to reach 38 degrees.. omfg... i hate living here so fucking miuch. can it just be warm and stay warm? this fluctuation is hurting me so much. literally. my joints react really poorly to it. espeically bc the pressure fucks around too, today its terrible and drizzly and my knee hurts. but i have physical therapy at like, 5, and its gonna be painful as fuck. i'm so fucking sick of it.

i've realized recently i'm just not fucking meant to live here. like at all. i''m just not fuckign strong enough. i am so weak, physically and mentally. i'm just not suited to life. i cant live, i'm barely hanging on everyday and just now am i realizing how long and great a problem this has been. i was in the bathroom at school today idk like fifth period and i was like fuck i wanna cut i was just so fucking angry and frustrated. i had looked at my grades the period before and i was so fucking angry. my seminar grade was a 69 for quarter 3. oh fuckign god. im so scared this is gonna call into question the scholarships i got to collleges, im so fucking scared. bc if i cant go to the college i want, even the secondary ones or the ones further down the list, if i have to go to the fucking local colllege here where i live i will not make it through the next for years. not just the weather, not just the fact that it doesnt have the classes i want, but i would ALSO have to live near my fucking father and i hate him so much. i would not be able to live through it. it would crush my dreams. this grade calls into question everything. i just fucking hate my life. and i understand that its not just one thigns, that its a culmination of my entire life, so i shouldnt feel terrible about my actions, because that grade is not a result of just my actions, its my actions in conjunction with all the facets of my life, my leg which caused me to nmiss schoool, my father who added stress and took time from me bc of the days i have to go to his house, my poor physical health, my inability to adjust, all those things impacted my grades, so i cant blame myself like i used to anytime i didnt like my grade last year or the years before, i understand now that a lot of it is out of my hands but that leads me to this conclusion that i've been putting off for so long, because i know its true. i know its true when i'm hit with sickness so many times a year that makes me leave schoool for so long, when im hit with hard flareups, when my father is just unbearable and i feel so terrible, everytime that happens i always react no its fine, its fine, just get through it and you can go to a great college and go to japan and work as a lawyer and become super fuckign rich, but that will never fucking happen. its just my massive fucking ego. i will never settle for less. but i will never achieve it. physically i would never fucking last at a job where id have to be on my feet, waitress, cashier, but thats just what im gonna fucking be. i wont even be able to go to college and whos gonna hire me then? and i look at these other kids in my seminar class and theyre just so much more hardy and resilent, theyre so much stronger, they can complete these so many asssignemnets but they can fucking do it, they can take my teacchers critisicm and not give a fuck. but i take it so hard. im so weak compared to everyone else, and ive been spreading myself even thinner by taking these harder classes bc i want to believe, i force myself to believe from my ego that i can take these classes, that its just the situation and that im acutally hardy if i just tried and that if thigns play out nice i will be able to do a lot, but thats not fucking true, because things will never play nice. things will happen, you either get over it or you dont. and i never have. sink or swim i've sunk at every fucking thing. i m just not fucking meant to live. and its been going on for a long time. i was in the bathroom earilier at school and i wanted to cut myself really badly but i didnt have anything like what, cut yourself on the fucking, toilet paper dispenser? lmao. so i just started scraping my nail against the delicate skin on the inside wrist and while i was doing i had this memory of doing the same thing when i was little, like 5 or 7 of sitting in the backseat and doing that same up and down motion with my thumb nail against my skin and doing it for a really long time, past bleeding, with my portable yahtzee electronic game thing in my lap, i remember that so vividly. and i remember my brother told me to stop but i didnt. and i realized when i was doing that same thing in the bathroom that this has been going on for so long. when i was younger, well actually, even past then up to now, but i remember it starting when i was little, i had this feeling whenever i got happy that i would die soon, that when i felt true happiness i would die, that was what i thought, like i would randomly get hit by a car. and i felt like that since literally 4 or 5, like i have a good memory of my chidlhoood, and i've been gettnig it better. i've been doing dives into my memories for a while now and i remember so many things so clearly. everything. for a long time i had amnesia about my trauma but i dont now i can go into those memories and feel them, theyre so close to the surface. and that was bad about today because when i was walking in the school for some reason the smell and the cold temperature triggered a feeling and a memory and i couldnt get out. so i just blasted my headphones during all of physics but it was so weird. parts just popped into my brain but other parts felt like i was purposely making myself remember things so i felt guilty and stupid, it sucked. idk. but idk, i just dont think im strong enough to live anymore. i dont know what to do. because i want to go travel so badly. i've been studying japanese on my own for 5 years now, i want to go to japan really badly, but i know in reality if i went, all the actual japanese people would treat me weird or try to speak english at me bc they would know im foreign, but i dont care. idk. i jsut want to speak it in an actual context. bc ive been listening for so long. i want to speak and have people understand me. the college i want to go to has a year long exchange program with a japanese college.

i think i had a lot more alcohol than usual. i feel really floaty. i'm in bed right now reclining but whenever i move even a little i get a weird feeling, like the feeling i get before going under for surgery. ah fuck. it makes me remember things. i cant do fucking anything without getting into my head. i just want out of my head. and that feeling i had as a kid i was so right, because everytime i have a happy moment i immediately have a crash right after where i feel fucking miserable. when elspeth "confessed" to be (lied about being interested and wanting to date me) then immediately ghosted me 2 days later and refused to even look at me in school and i felt so fucking horrible and i bought a fucking christmas gift for her anyway because i wanted her to change her mind and go back to liking me so fucking bad, ive dreamed about and wanted someone who wanted to date me for so fucking long, its been my biggest goal for highscool, to find someone who lieks me and have my first kiss. and when she told me that, even though it was over text, i was fucking so happy, so elated. it was seriously a dream come true. but then, yeah, that immediate crash after for several months where i just felt fucking wrekt, and i never even fucking liked her in the first place, like, i didnt dislike her and i thought she was cute, but i never actually would have wanted to date her yk? so i know it was just my ego that was hurt but idk i still fucking hurt for so long for no fucking reason. but i wanted that so badly. and it just felt like yeah, no, noone will ever fucking like you, why would she ? why would i expect that? and i know its true bc i have a terrible personality and i dress like a slob but i wanted to believe i was desirable more than anything, even over reason (shes never spoken to you before, interesting shes suddenly confessing romantic interest, yeah that i chose to ignore completely). Or just recently, over the weekend i went out with a friend for the first time in so long. and its true that me and alex arent close, like we just met this year pretty much and talk during lunch and physics, but going out driving with him was so fucking fun. like it was so highschool. i felt like such a fucking hischooler, going for a long drive listening to music, getting boba, walking in the rain with warm spring rain, that felt so high school, that felt so amaznig and fun and chill, on saturday, and the next day wasnt bad, i deluded myself there wouldnt be repercussions, but there are repercussions, and it was the first time i felt happy and not alone in so long and now i feel so close to killing myself i fucking hate my life. i will never be happy. and if i am i will have the worst crash afterwords. what am i even fucking doing. i have so much fucking school work to do its not even funny and i've wasted over an hour and 20min just typing this and wallowing in self pity it fucking sucks. but i cant think or move or see clearly lilke this bc of what i did and the fucking alchohol, and now i also cant where anything but long sleeves for the next while (not really much of a inconvenience since its gonna be cold this week anyway but still) it limits me, makes me be careful, gives me another thing to worry about. bc i go through periods where i just dont care, but then immediately after i care a fuck ton. i cant afford to not care about my grades just bc i wanna drink and make stupid spacehey blog posts, but i just fucking cant do anything else. what am i supposed to do? my eating habits have been fucked up recently, ive been eating way more than usual and not keeping track of my calories, which yeah, i know during vacations, and 2 weeks ago was spring break and we went to florida, like i knew my eating habits would be fucked so i was prepared to not be hard on myself, but i actually had a good routine, i would have a yogurt for breakfast, go on a 40min walk or so, have lots of water and an apple, cool down, then do other activities, than have a dinner at 3 then have nothing till the next day, and it felt fine. i expected to gain weight so i wasnt hard on myself but i still had a routine. Now? the week immediatetly after was terrrible, i had a bad sleep schedule so i was always fucking tired and gave into urges easily, i didnt have a plan or anything and just ate whatever each day, fucking sucked. i weighed myself friday before school and i was 195. i was 192 before break. and thats a whole week after break, so not even water weight. I'm supposed to be 189-188 right now. today i've had a protein bar, an apple and a yogurt. fuck. its just because i'm so fucked. i have no schedule and i feel like shit so i cant control myself and keep myself on schedule. i cant even get my homework done. i just want to fucking die. im so sick of this. because it will never get better. life will only get more intense with more responsibilities and challenges, and i fail to pick up the slack everytime i get a responsibility increase. couldnt have a job bc it fucked my schedule, my knee hurt so bad, and it cut my free hours, i had no time for anything. ah. i just cant handle life. i cant adjust. in my head im still at my fathers house, im still at the hospital, i cant do anything. i cant manage myself i just spread myself thin and think, well it will end eventually, it will come to pass, but not this, life doesnt come to pass. these hardships dont come to pass. other things will always replace them. and i cant handle it. i cant do it. FUCK i have therapy in 30min and i still feel super fucking floaty and weird. im so tired. i cant do it. idk .i fcant

The Spacehey Diary Backups