1/12/26
I had to delete this section last year to protect my privacy when someone in my real life found bebetcy. thought i'd copied my entries to my pc, was going to reupload but seems theyre lost for good.
this year im studying abroad in tokyo. its been nice so far, i dont have to work too hard on my classes because they dont affect my gpa. people ive met in the dorm here have been nice. i dont have a job so i dont have that stress. still dont feel well. i've been eating a lot more this year-- working out more, but eating more. i was reading through my kcal logs from the past few years, this time 3 years ago i was eating between 400-1000kcal a day and fasting once a week. it makes me feel weird, nostalgic, guilty. i was soaking in the tub a few nights ago and randomly got very nostalgic for what i would eat for my daily meal in spring of '24-- 150g chickpeas and a bowl of spinach. these kinds of feelings have been resurfacing more frequently recently. its been a bit difficult.
1/25/26
silicone sex dolls are so disturbing. the way they make their skin have dots and veins, shadows of bones- to be as realistic as possible, and then advertize them by hitting them, choking them, putting them in chains. its not the same as other sex toys like fleshlights, rose toys, VR. the silicone dolls with their female anatomy and realisticness let these men have unlimited will over a female body, and what they choose to do is rape. carefully crafted from the eyelashes down to the hand shaped toes, laid to rest in coffin-sized shipment packaging, wrists cuffed on their stomachs, the dolls are sent to their new homes, taken out of their cloesets to be used, and thrown away when they lose appeal. voiceless, objectionless. its not just sex, these dolls are the ideal female of patriarchal societies in both form and purpose, globally and temporally.
it's unbelievably cruel how the american economy is completely dependent on war. millions of lives lost, unconceivable attrocities commited, for profit-driven wars. and there's no end in sight. how can we continue to live in a global society like this, where imperialism is integral to the economy of the most powerful members, and in which every other country is at their whim.