1/12/26
I had to delete this section last year to protect my privacy when someone in my real life found bebetcy. thought i'd copied my entries to my pc, was going to reupload but seems theyre lost for good. being able to put my thoughts on display for strangers is one thing, but i cant stand for the people who i know in real life to know this side of me, i guess.
this year im studying abroad in tokyo. its been nice so far, i dont have to work too hard on my classes because they dont affect my gpa. people ive met in the dorm here have been nice. i dont have a job so i dont have that stress. still dont feel well. i've been eating a lot more this year-- working out more, but eating more. i was reading through my kcal logs from the past few years, this time 3 years ago i was eating between 400-1000kcal a day and fasting once a week. it makes me feel weird, nostalgic, guilty. i was soaking in the tub a few nights ago and randomly got very nostalgic for what i would eat for my daily meal in spring of '24-- 150g chickpeas and a bowl of spinach. when i was restricting heavy before i got so fixated on honey i couldnt stop eating it despite the punishments. now it makes me sick looking at it. i just, its not that i want to go back to how i was, but more so i wish there was enough of a difference between the me now and the me then that there would be something to go back to. on my birthday 2 years ago one of my classmates took me out for froyo and i couldnt stop myself from excusing myself and puking it up before we drove home. she thought i'd been crying and i lied and said i had. i dont think i would act any differently now. arent i too old for this. i thought i would get some kind of clarity, after therapy, after living, but im the same.